If I Never Knew You
by KRK the JRK
Summary: What if Peeta's name hadn't been drawn. AU
1. If I Never Knew You

...And if I never knew you

I'd have lived my whole life through

Empty as the sky

Never knowing why.

Lost forever.

If I never knew you.

- If I Never Knew You

~ ⁂ ~

The ride back from the Capital felt twice as long as the ride there. I spent most of the time in my room, huddled in the back corner of my bathroom, haunted by the faces of the dead. Those that had been killed in cold blood either by myself or the others wouldn't leave my side. I kept replaying their deaths in my head, feeling the guilt of remaining. Seeing the wounds left behind as the weapons were removed and watching the blood drain out as pain contorted the victims' face. No one had survived. Yet I still lived.

They left me alone for the most part. The first morning Effie had knocked on my door and tried to get me to come to breakfast with her. Her voice was less cheery than usual, the only indication that the games had affected her at all. Instead of responding I resumed rocking back and forth, back and forth. After a minute or so I heard her heels clicking as she walked from my door to the dining car.

I'm not sure how much longer it was until the silence was broken by Haymitch. His drunken slurs echoed down the hall. "Where is that girl? Where is that little victor? I need to see her! I could teach her a thing or two about surviving, I could." He was cut off by Effie and the silence continued, punctuated every so often by Haymitch bursting with a sudden need to see me, a "Hush" from Effie and her obvious attempts to keep him from coming to find me.

I tried to sleep but was awakened every time by the creak of the train. My body was still on an adrenaline high from the game and every noise put me on edge. When someone, anyone, would walk by my door I would lunge out of bed and try to find my weapons. Someone must have had the presence of mind to remove anything with the ability to cause harm for every search came up empty.

For the remainder of the two day ride back to District 12 the Avoxes would tiptoe past my door and the ones chosen to give me my meals would flee right away. I was embarrassed, the only other emotion I was capable of feeling besides fear. Did they all think that I was a monster? Did I look like a monster? I wanted to get up and look, to be able to see what others saw, but when I approached the mirror my mind started to play tricks on me and I again heard the sounds of the arena. I quickly returned to my corner of the bed and hugged a pillow to my chest, hoping that would block some of the memories.

The pillow gave me a sense of security until I fell asleep. Then, no matter what I was holding, the memories attacked the barricade of my mind. I saw Cato being attacked by the mutts in the Cornucopia. I saw Rue stuck through the stomach with a spear. I saw Thresh smash Clove on the head repeatedly with a rock. Over and over. the memories kept repeating in my head, changing ever so slightly until I was the one attacking Cato, spearing Rue and hitting Clove with the rock.

My scream must have been heard throughout the train because it had woken me up. However no one came. My clothes were stuck to my body with sweat and the pillow I had been clutching earlier was sitting across the room, a bold testament to my thrashing. I sat in bed for a few more minutes, trying to control my erratic breathing, before climbing out of bed and peeling my damp clothes off of me.

As I walked towards the dresser to put on clothing that Effie would approve of I passed by the mirror and caught a glimpse of myself. I stopped walking and slowly turned so that I could fully see myself. What weight I had lost during the games still hadn't returned and I could count every bone in my body. I was skinny before I went into the games but I don't remember ever seeing my skin loosely hanging on my bones. My face was even worse than the weight loss. My gray eyes were sunk deep in my face and my skin had a pallid look to it. My cheek bones had become the dominant feature of my face causing it to have a more haunted look than I had expected.

I pulled my arms tight around me and turned away from the mirror. Instead of finishing my journey to the closet I grabbed some clothes off of the ground. They weren't used and so they must have been victim to one of my crazy outbursts sometime in the past few days. I pulled them on and was happy when they weren't too wrinkled. Not much could be done with my hair so I just pulled it back into a braid and hoped that would be enough to hide it's greasiness.

I had just finished getting dressed when there was a knock on my door followed by Effie's voice, which was back to normal, saying, "Katniss. Wake up! We have a big, big day today. We're only a few minutes from District 12."

Although I still remained silent she left me alone and I assumed that I had made more than enough noise shuffling around to get dressed.

I felt the train jerk to a stop and stumbled into a chair, stubbing my toe. The pain managed to bring me out of my haze a little bit and I remembered that everyone would expect me to be happy. I was happy to be seeing Prim and Gale again but at what cost?

The steps that hurried past and the short raps upon my door alerted me that the train doors were opening. It was time to go home.

~ ⁂ ~

I heard the people of District 12 long before I saw them. I was the first victor since Haymitch and people were sure to celebrate my return more than if I were from a different District. What the crowd was yelling remained a mystery to me. Their voices blurred together as each person tried to be heard above another.

Haymitch came up and stood beside me. "You ready to see your family again sweetheart?"

I didn't say anything in reply, just nodded my head quickly, in hopes that he would go away. He seemed to understand that I was off kilter but rather than leave me alone he stood next to me, every so often muttering something under his breath.

I inched away, hoping he wouldn't notice. I managed to get about a foot when Effie walked up and brought him out of his self-induced stupor. "Katniss! There you are! You know, everyone has been looking for you, even old Haymitch here."

She was interrupted by Haymitch's cry of shock, "I'm not old!"

Effie barely got out an answer before returning her attention to me, "Yes, yes. Whatever you say dear. Now Katniss, all the cameramen are set up and ready for your reunion with your family. Are you ready? Well, no matter. You must come with me now!" Without giving me a chance to answer Effie grabbed my arm and dragged me off the train shouting for Haymitch to follow her over my shoulder.

~ ⁂ ~

The cameramen were waiting at the train station, near the back entrance to the Justice Building. The crowds were just on the other side in the town square, my family sitting on the stage. Before they let me through the door a woman grabbed me and touched up my face from a kit she was holding in her hand. When I tried to flinch away she just smiled and told me that "It's important for your fans in the Capital to see you keeping up your appearance." I didn't like it but, as in the rest of my life, I had no control over it.

Finally the woman backed off and Effie motioned for me to come over with her next to the door. I didn't really understand the need for the cameras and all the fussing, but I understood that it's what is done. After the men messed with their cameras to make the image perfect, everyone was ready for me to arrive at home.

Right as the mayor was finishing his speech on how proud our District was to finally be bringing home a victor I froze. Sure, I was excited to be able to finally see Prim, even my mother, but would they be able to look at me the same after seeing everything I had done? And even if they did would they be able to understand my new fears or the nightmares that now plague me? And Gale. What must he think of me now? Is he disgusted by the things I did? The promises I had to break?

I didn't have long to ponder my questions though because the mayor finished his speech and then Effie pushed me onto the stage. I didn't even have time to register all the people watching before a blond haired girl came barreling into my arms. Prim. All my worries evaporated with that one hug. More arms enveloped me. The arms of my mother and Gale. How did he manage to get up here?

The rest of the welcome home ceremony and subsequent party went by in a blur, not remaining long in my memory. All I remember is the fact that neither Gale nor Prim left my side all night.

**A/N: So what do you guys think? I'm not going to beg for reviews, I'll update when the muse strikes me! :D**


	2. It's Complicated

**Disclaimer: If I were Susan Collins I wouldn't be writing this at Disneyland.**

Should I say it

Should I tell you

How I feel?

Oh, I want you to know

But then again I don't

It's so complicated.

- It's Complicated

The next few days passed by in a blur of motion. I sorted through the items in my house alongside my mother and Prim. Most of the stuff we were just going to leave behind but my mother was adamant about doing this the right way. I don't believe that there ever was a right way of doing this, although our District doesn't have much experience with anyone moving into Victor's Village. My mother seems excited about the move but I expect that's only because she hasn't yet realized that Haymitch will be our only neighbor.

Haymitch seems excited about the move also, even coming over to our house once trying to help us pack. Of course he was drunk. Prim was still at school so my mother just brought him inside until he forgot why he was there and left. It didn't take very long.

I've been over to see the new place once. I hate it. As soon as I opened the door the smell of fresh paint surrounded me and I gagged. I couldn't step inside, just sat on the steps until I got the courage to go home. Prim was there and she asked me question after question, never giving me a chance to answer. I didn't want her to believe that the new house wasn't any good so, when she paused for a breath, I just described teh few things I had seen. New furniture excited her and she forgot her other questions, running off to tell our mother.

A few days after I got home Gale showed up at our front door. I was the one who opened the door and I stood there, just looking at him quizzically. He laughed a little, just a short and quiet bark, before saying. "Your mother asked me to help you guys move. Apparently you have a lot of stuff."

He was saved from my sarcastic answer by the appearance of my mother behind me. "Oh Gale. Good, you're here. I was thinking we would start a little later. But if you and Katniss wouldn't mind walking over to the house and airing it out? I'm sure the smells must be overwhelming."

Without giving either of us a chance to answer she gave me a nudge out the door then shut it behind me. I looked at Gale and gave him a half shrug as if to say, 'What can you do?'

The walk to Victor's village was made in a companionable silence. All the times spent hunting in the woods had taught us that more could be said in a silence than in a conversation. That's not to say that I didn't feel any awkwardness. Gale was going into the mines soon, the very place where we had lost our fathers, and I was essentially a part of the merchant class.

Just as I was about to open my mouth to break the silence the entrance to Victor Village passed and I relaxed, knowing that the house was just a little ways away. Gale's eyes wandered back and forth, looking at the neatly trimmed laws and the freshly painted trims. I could tell that he was comparing this to our house's in the Seam. And finding them very lacking. All the houses are colored gray from the coal dust and nothing will grow in the areas designated as a front lawn. Not that anyone living there ever had the time to try growing anything.

Gale stopped in front of the house the Capitol had given to me. How he knew it was mine remained a mystery but I had a feeling that it had something to do with my mother. We stood outside the house, Gale staring at the building and me watching his face to gauge his reaction. He stared long enough to make me feel self-conscious. Finally he turned towards me and said, "So, I suppose there will be no more gray colored houses for you, huh?" Grateful that he had said something I shook my head then started walking towards the front door.

I opened the door and felt the smells threaten to overwhelm me again. This time however I made my way to a window and opened it, hoping that the still air outside could somehow manage to make it's way inside. Beside me Gale opened his own window before sticking his head outside and giving the backyard almost as good a scrutiny as he had given the front.

Suddenly he turned from the window and gathered me into his arms. I stiffened in surprise before slowly relaxing and returning the hug. He would say what he was thinking soon. We stood like that for a few minutes until I cleared my throat and dropped my arms. Gale hastily released me and stepped back, keeping his eyes on the ground. A red color crept onto his cheeks and I struggled to keep in my laughter. Gale and blushing just did not go together.

When he lifted his head the blush was gone but his eyes wore a guarded expression. "Sorry," he said by way of explanation, "I just missed you."

I laughed a little, grateful that some of the awkwardness was dissipating. "Gale, you just saw me yesterday."

he ran his hand through his hair and turned away. "You could have died in there. You could have died and I never..." He cleared his throat and slowly moved over to sit on the couch.

I crossed my arms in front of my chest and asked, "You never what, Gale?"

He glanced at me and shook his head. "Never mind." I opened my mouth but his face hardened and he said more harshly, "Just forget it Katniss."

I shrugged and moved over to more closed windows, opening them and trying to fan some air into the house. The windows in the front room all being opened I moved into the kitchen and opened the back door, hoping that might help with the air flow. I heard a shuffling from behind me and turned to see Gale opening a window placed above the sink.

I moved out of the kitchen into the dining area, assuming that Gale could handle the only other window in the kitchen. The first window I tried to open had been stuck closed by the new layer of paint. I was struggling to separate the two, window and paint, when I felt warmth surround me and saw Gale's arms reach around to add the necessary force.

Together we managed to open the window but before I could slip out of his arms he turned me around and planted his lips against mine. Although it was my first kiss the shock stopped me from realizing what it was until it was over. Gale must not have noticed my stillness because after the kiss he rested his forehead against mine and whispered, "I love you Catnip."

Those words broke me from my motionless state and I slipped out of his arms, crossing mine over my chest. He followed my movements with his eyes and I said, "Don't. Gale you know how I feel about love."

He shook his head. "No I don't. I know how you feel about marriage and children but that has nothing to do with love Katniss."

"I know but Gale-" He put up his hand to stop me from saying anything else before moving close to me and taking my hand in his. I tried to wait patiently for him to collect his thoughts but quickly got impatient as he continued to play with my hand and not say anything. I decided to try again. "Gale-"

"Katniss, just because two people are in love it doesn't automatically mean that they will get married. Sure, most of them do but that doesn't always happen," He sighed. "Look, I just want the opportunity to love you Katniss."

I looked away from him, at the same time removing my hand from his grip. "I can't. I-" I glanced down at my hands before looking up at him. Gale had a small smile on his face and I couldn't help the embarrassment that welled up within me.

"Is someone scared of love?" He asked, the same smirk on his face.

I paused to ponder his words. Was I afraid of love? My parents had been in love and look at my mother now. But the memory of my parents from when I was younger crowds out my mother's loneliness now. No, I'm not afraid of love, just the other feelings that come with love.

Looking back at Gale I shook my head. "no, it's not love that I'm frighted of. It's just..." I stopped, not wanting Gale to know exactly how I feel about love. His expectant look spurred me on. "It's just that I'm scared I don't know how to love someone."

The grin on his face grew even bigger. "So then, you'll need a teacher. Is that it?"

I nodded and said in a half-whisper, "Will you show me?"

**A/N: So I had this chapter half written for about a week until I got stuck and didn't now how to continue. Who knew that having someone reveal their feelings could be so difficult? **

**My friends wants me to be sure to mention that I wrote this at Disneyland. During the fireworks. **

**Thank you to those who reviewed or alerted/favorited this story. Next update may come sooner. **


	3. Sleep

You're feeling the rush of anguish settling

You cannot help showing them in

Hurry up then

Or you'll fall behind and

They will take control of you

-Sleep (Poets of the Fall)

~ ⁂ ~

The weather started to get colder and the nights came sooner, an indication of the start of Fall. Eventually the first snow fell, covering my small world with a glittering white blanket. Prim rejoiced at the sight of the snow but all the white did for me was bring thoughts of the Victory Tour closer to the front of my mind.

Gale tried to help me deal with my fears, and the nightmares that accompanied them, but with his work in the mines he was tired more often than not. Sundays we met in the woods but he was focused on hunting for his family. I offered to give him money so he could have a break but he told me he didn't want any charity. He had promised me, the day he went into the mines, that he would come visit me everyday when he got off of work but after he fell asleep on my couch that first day I made him limit our visits to Sunday.

Hazelle appreciated when I stopped by so I did almost every day. Posy was still too young to go to school so I would keep her occupied most days until Rory and Vick came home from school and could watch her. My mother had given me the choice to return to school or not and I had decided to drop out, not seeing the point of subjecting myself to the people and their looks. I spent most of my time in the woods, not really hunting but rather thinking.

I would sit on our rock, Gale's and mine, remembering the days before the games. The days where our relationship was still simple and I was blissfully unaware of the horrors of killing someone. Sometimes my imagination would trick me and I would feel Gale sitting beside me. But when I would turn to look reality and all its problems would hit me again. The days when this happened were my bad days and brought the worst nightmares.

As the Victory Tour inched closer these days of brutal reality were closer and closer together. I spent the majority of my nights walking the road in the center of Victor's Village or sitting on our back steps looking up at the stars. Dark circles appeared under my eyes that refused to be lightened by whatever sleep I managed to get. My appetite suffered from my insomnia and I ate only what my mother could force down my throat.

On Sunday, although I normally looked forward to our time in the woods together, I didn't feel like facing Gale. I spent the morning sitting in the middle of the porch, huddled in my father's hunting jacket, rather than heading to the woods. My thoughts jumped back and forth from wishing that Gale would stop by to hoping that he would stay away. My mother brought out a tray of food and it stayed untouched beside me.

Late in the afternoon I saw a tall figure slowly walking up the road towards my house. Even if I hadn't known his walk as well I would have known that it was Gale. No one would be coming to visit Haymitch.

When he got closer I dropped my eyes down to the floor and waited until he got within hearing distance before quietly saying, "Hey."

He didn't respond, instead sitting beside me, close but not quite touching. The silence dragged on until I started feeling uncomfortable, not wanting to look at him long enough to know what he was thinking. After what seemed like forever he broke the silence with a strained voice. "You didn't come to the woods today."

I shook my head, not quite trusting myself to answer. It wasn't often that Gale got upset with me and I didn't want him to worry about me with all his other problems. I knew that if I spoke I wouldn't be able to stop the information about my dreams from coming out.

He sighed and placed his head on his hands. We fell into silence again. I was silent because I didn't know what to say. Him not questioning my absence from the woods told me he was too upset to care. The minutes dragged on until I couldn't handle the silence anymore. "I just couldn't handle it today Gale. Not like this."

He looked at me for what seemed to be the first time today and noticed the dark, bruise-like circles under my eyes. Reaching out one hand he tentatively brushed his thumb over that area under my eye. "You should have said something. Katniss, if they're this bad you need someone to talk to."

I shook my head. "I don't want anyone to worry. Besides, it's nothing. Just leftover memories that haven't had the time to work their way out of my mind. I can't tell my mother or my sister why I don't sleep at night or why, when I do fall asleep, I wake up screaming and in a cold sweat. And you can't take time away from your work nor do I want you to. I'll be fine."

Pity filled his eyes and he shook his head. "Not sleeping isn't nothing. Your body can't survive without its rest. I'm sure your mother has told you that. And your mind isn't going to stop replaying these memories unless you actually try to talk about them."

I knew, deep within me, that what Gale said was true. I did need to talk about the memories but I didn't want to scare anyone away. No one could understand what I had been through, and I didn't want them too. But I needed to get them out. To try to let someone else into my world of horror. Gale was the only one that I knew strong enough not to let them break him. Slowly I felt a dam within me fall apart and I felt tears coming.

Gale must have seen them in my eyes because he took my hand and brought me to the porch swing. Sitting next to me, his hand still in mine, he allowed me to cry and to tell him, in fragmented sentences, the images that tormented me through the night. Finally, when it was all done, he gave me a short kiss before lying my head on his lap and whispering, "Try to get some sleep Catnip."

Reliving the torture of my games, along with all the tears I had shed, had tired me out enough for my eyes to close and for the sweet oblivion of a dreamless sleep to claim me.

~ ⁂ ~

The sound of feet moving along the wood and the feel of my head being moved woke me the next morning. Opening my eyes I noticed that the sun still hadn't started to peek above the skyline. I shivered and pulled the blankets tighter around me when I realized that rather than being in my bed I was lying on the porch swing. Sitting up I saw that the sound of the feet belonged to Gale.

He was sitting on the top step pulling on his boots and I remembered that he had to be at the mines early in the morning. Gathering the blankets around my shoulders like a cloak I got up and went to sit beside him. He glanced at me and said, in a somewhat plaintive voice, "I didn't mean to wake you. You looked so peaceful."

I shrugged but said nothing. He finished tying his first boot and moved onto the next. I watched him put it on. He loosened the laces all the way, pulling them out of the first hole, before sliding the boot onto his foot. Then he slowly tightened every part of the lace, starting at the bottom and working his way up until he reached the top part where he threaded the lace back through and tied a knot. I noticed that he didn't double knot it and I commented on that.

He looked thoughtful for a moment then gave a low laugh. "I guess I've just never thought about it before. It's nice to be able to just pull on one end and kick your boots off."

Standing up he glanced quickly up at the sky then looked down at me. "I should probably get going. The foreman doesn't like it when we're late."

I stood too. "Let me walk with you."

He shook his head. "You should get back to sleep. You need it and-"

I cut him off. "Gale, I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep now even if I wanted to. I've woken up."

He sighed but just started walking. I took that as an okay to go with him so I dropped the blankets and jogged after him. Reaching him I took his hand and threaded our fingers together. We didn't say anything for a while, not until we reached town when I decided to ask, "Did you sleep sitting up the whole night?"

He nodded and reached up with his free hand to massage the back of his neck. "You would think I'd be used to it by now, having to sit up with Posy most nights when she's sick, but I still have this awful kink in my neck. I probably would have gotten one anyways. I seem to fall asleep all the time now."

I looked down and quietly said, "Thanks for doing that. I really needed someone to talk to."

He glanced at me then smiled, pulling his hand from mine and placing it around my shoulder. "Catnip, I'm happy to stay up all night for you if that's what you need. It's not a big deal."

I frowned, still looking at the ground. "It is to me Gale. No one has done that before. Not even after my dad died. You remember what my mother was like, and Prim-" I didn't continue, thinking that the limits of Prim's strengths were pretty obvious.

Gale stopped walking and put his arms around me. He didn't say anything, just held me. I was reminded of our conversation the night before and how he had held me like this afterwards. He had told me he loved me as I had drifted off to sleep and I found myself wondering if he would tell me again today. He didn't, instead turning from me and continuing to walk.

Soon after that the small entrance to the mines appeared in front of us. A group of men were standing around, presumably awaiting the next elevator. Because the Seam was so much closer to the mines than Victors Village Gale was a bit later than normal. He frowned then dropped my hand, walking quickly ahead of me towards the men.

I stopped walking and called to him.

He turned around and said, "Katniss I have to go."

I nodded. "I know. Just-"

He cut me off, saying impatiently, "Katniss..."

I smiled and just waved at him. "Go. It can wait." He half-waved before jogging over to the men still waiting to go down. I watched him for a few seconds before turning to walk back to Victors Village on my own.

~ ⁂ ~

**A/N1: Okay, so a somewhat shorter chapter which was a major filler. I hope I didn't bore you but I needed a way to get closer to the Victory Tour which is where some things actually start to happen.**

**I'm not positive of the seasonal timeline of the Hunger Games but since Katniss started on hers when there was snow on the ground I'm assuming that it was winter, and at one point she said that the Victory Tour was held halfway between the Games. For this story's purpose I'm saying that the Games are in Summer. It makes sense considering that there's one season in between Winter and Summer.**

**Reviews not required but appreciated! Thanks to HopeNeverDies for reviewing the last chapter!**

A/N2: So, sorry for the long absence (and the short story) but school's been busy and then my mom threw out her back so I had to actually drive myself places. *gasp*

This chapter really doesn't do much to move the story along, however I decided that I needed to write something. The next chapter is in the works, I'm just dealing with a bit of writer's block and an irrational want to throw my computer across the room while I'm writing it. If anyone knows a good song, or quote, for being yourself or not letting someone tell you how to live your life leave it in a review. That would help me write the chapter.

Thanks to HopeNeverDies, Solaryllis, SweetMeiko and laughingismyhobby for reviewing the last chapter.

E/N: In looking at my outline I realized that this story has the potential to be quite long. Although these chapters don't have much happening in them I decided that they were still important to the plot and instead of having them separate and taking up space with their short 900 word "fluff" I combined them and just edited a bit. Hopefully the wording flows a bit better than before.


	4. Beginnings

A few days later Cinna and my prep team arrived in District 12. I wish I could say that I was happy to see Cinna again but his face only reminded me of what I would face beginning the next day. My prep team was no easier to see. They reminded me of the nameless people who sat, cheering, while I had been forced to watch the re-run of the games. Forced to relive the deaths of the tributes.

Dinner that night had a somber tone to it. My mother was polite, accepting compliments fro Octavia and Venia while answering any questions that Flavius could come up with but tried to keep things quiet. I assumed that she didn't want me to over think the reason why they were here and risk a relapse. I appreciated what she was doing but I could still feel the despair and panic beginning to suffocate my mind. Halfway through the meal I had to excuse myself.

I walked out to the porch and leaned agains the railing, looking up at the few stars that were struggling to peek out from behind the blanket of clouds. I heard footsteps behind me then silence as I continued to look at the stars, trying to pick out the few constellations I knew.

Soon Cinna broke the silence, "Beautiful, isn't it?"

I nodded and glanced over at him to see him looking up at some of the stars that I couldn't name. I realized he probably hand't seen my nod so I opened my mouth to speak right when he did.

"I remember when my dad brought me here. He worked as a secretary to Snow's personal secretary. A bit redundant I know but apparently the secretary only wanted to write so much. Anyway, he had to come out here to check on the output of the mine. I was on holiday from school and my mother was recovering from a recent surgery, she had opted to surgically change her eye color, and so couldn't watch me. My father decided to take me with him rather than allow me to stay unsupervised. The only part of the trip I remember in detail is when we first got off the train. The whole setup was so different from what I was used to. I was used to seeing Peacekeepers but everyone was just moving along so slowly."

He paused and turned from the sky to look at me. "That's what I fell in love with first, the slowness of everything. No one was rushing around like the world would end if they didn't get to their destination as soon as possible. The further into the District we got the more I enjoyed myself. When we got back I knew I wanted to do something involving District 12. That was the only trip my father ever took me on."

It made sense now that he had chosen to design outfits for District 12. "That's why you do it then? Design for 12, I mean. Because it reminds you of a happy time with your father?"

He smiled, a sad, half-smile and said, "Perhaps. Although I think it has more to do with the slowness. I never did understand why people chose to hurry along with their life."

"So where's your father now? Is he still secretary to the secretary?"

His gaze turned back to the stars. "No. He hans't had that position for years now."

"Why not?"

"He suffers from Alzheimers. a disease in the brain. We can fix many things int eh Capitol but not much progress has been made on dementia. You get inoculated at birth but there's still a two percent failure rate. My dad was just an unlucky part of that statistic. No he lives in a small room inside a large hospital. He doesn't remember me anymore but the doctors say there could still be hope. I've started to lose faith though," He laughed quietly and wiped his eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't meant to go into all of that. I just wanted to tell you a bit of what I thought about your District."

I moved closer and pulled him into a quick hug before moving back and saying, "Come on. It's getting cold."

~⁂~

The next morning a fresh layer of snow covered the ground. Early in the morning my prep team woke me up and brought me to Beauty Base Zero, stating that there was no point to change much when it was just going to be covered up again. When they were about halfway through I heard a commotion downstairs and realized that the camera men must have arrived. Glancing out the small window in the bathroom I saw that the snow had started to fall lightly again.

I don't remember anything that I said in front of the cameras. I was asked about my talent, which Cinna had helped me to develop, and many other things that didn't really register. As soon as they had finished questioning me Cinna bundled me up and the camera men packed up their cameras, not wanting them to get ruined by the snow which was coming down harder now. My small entourage followed me to the train stop where we had to wait for a few minutes because the train was running late. Haymitch met us there, drunk as always. My mother and Prim had stayed back at the house, never having been one for goodbyes when they knew I was coming back.

The train arrived, looking exactly the same as when I had been on it for the games, and we all got on, going our separate ways to our rooms. Effie, who had just come in on the train, told me to be ready for the next morning because District 11 was going consist of "a big, big speech since I had been allies with that tragic little girl." I just nodded my head and shut the door. The bed looked inviting after being talked to all day long and I fell onto it before shutting my eyes and falling into a restless sleep.

~⁂~

**A/N: Completely unedited! Yay! The victory tour is starting! I had to completely rewrite this whole chapter because the last one just wasn't working for me. **

**I know that Cinna was a part of the rebellion and that was a reason why he asked to design for District 12 but for the purposes of this story no rebellious act has been committed. So I needed another reason for him to have designed. I decided that the bond between a father and a son was a good enough reason, although he didn't want to admit it. **

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! I don't quite know when I can start working on the next chapter because I'm busy this weekend, next weekend and I have lots of projects due this coming week and the next. I will work on it though! **


	5. Human

There's one way out and one way in

Back to the beginning

There's one way back to home again

To where I feel forgiven

-Human (Civil Twilight)

~⁂~

_The heat from the fire was almost too much to handle but when I turned around I could tell that it was still far behind. The branches would whip back and hit me in the face, arms or legs and I was sure that my ankle was sprained from my fall earlier. I didn't know where I was running or even why I was running. It would be so easy to just stop and let the fire consume me. But an animalistic need to escape had taken over and it was slowly spreading, blocking out all other thoughts. All I could do was follow the forest animals running on either side of me._

_I was completely lost when I noticed a different footstep running beside me. It was heavier than the animals yet was lighter than normal footsteps. I wanted to see who it was, protect myself from any enemy, but my mind was to focused on escaping the fire. There was no room in my brain to think about any other kind of danger even existing. The fire was the only thing in my world. _

_Eventually the motion of running became monotonous and I started to think about who it was running beside me. The footsteps were light but I knew that that didn't mean anything. I tried to move my head but the instinct to run was still to strong and my brain didn't register the thought. All I knew was that I didn't want them to escape the fire. They didn't deserve the chance. Prim needed me. With that final thought in my mind I reached out and shoved the person running next to me. The fire must have grown closer because the next thing that I heard was screaming. Incessant screaming. _

My eyes flew open and I realized that the screaming was coming from me. Pushing the damp covers off of me I sat up in bed and realized I was breathing heavily. I sat there for a few minutes, almost expecting someone to come and check on me. No one came though and I put my head on my knees hoping that would somehow help me control my breathing. I don't know how long I sat there like that but the next thing I knew Effie knocked on my door saying, "Katniss, breakfast."

I crawled out of bed, ending up on my hands and knees on the floor. Somehow I got up. The short walk from my room to the dinning car I kept repeating, "That's not what happened. It wasn't like that." During breakfast I was mumbling that under my breath. Haymitch kept looking at me then shaking his head and returning to his orange juice. Effie kept up a constant chatter, not caring if anyone heard. Eventually the conductor came in and whispered something in Effie's ear. She smiled and nodded then turned to me. "Katniss, District 11 is five minutes ahead." She paused and motioned to Flavius. "Come on, you need to get her ready for her big, big day. This is the first stop. And it will be the most exciting."

My prep team stood up and started down the hall. I kept up my mumbling but followed them. I didn't pay attention to anything that they did and didn't say anything even when the pain shocked me. When they had finished Cinna came in and touched up my hair and makeup before slipping me into a silky blue dress. He didn't say a word throughout this entire time, although he would squeeze my shoulder gently every so often. All the while I was still repeating my mantra in my head, "That's not what happened. It wasn't like that."

District 11's Justice Building creaked as they led me from the back, where the train depot was, to the front stage where I would be introduced to the residents. If it had been windy I was sure the creaks would be accompanied by howling. As soon as my entourage and I stepped out on the stage I instantly felt out of place in my dress. Everyone was wearing their work clothes, their work having been interrupted by my arrival.

Rue and Thresh's families sat in a small closed off area and I noticed that their clothes were slightly nicer than what the majority of the district was wearing. The mayor was walking up to the podium to deliver his portion of the ceremony when I saw the youngest child from Rue's family wriggle out of her mother's grasp and come darting towards the stage. One of the Peacekeepers noticed her and, rather than laughing like the ones in District 12, he motioned to a few of the others and they moved to cut her off. She giggled, probably thinking this was like a game that she probably plays with her siblings and moved to skirt around them. This continued for a while until one of the Peacekeepers was able to snag a chunk of her hair as she tried to go around him. He tugged and she walked back until he grabbed her arm. She struggled against his grip the whole way back to her mother.

Although the mayor had been talking throughout the whole event I noticed that the crowd had been quieter than most crowds normally are. A mother in District 12 would have called for her child to come back but Rue's mother hadn't said a word the whole time this was going on. I could tell from her face that she was worried but she hadn't moved a muscle. The mayor finished speaking and motioned to me to come up.

I hadn't written anything to say, hoping that I would have some sort of inspiration before I had to talk, but nothing had happened. I stood up and slowly made my way over, having to remind myself once more that my dream wasn't true. I stood in front of the podium for what seemed like forever, looking out at the Rue's family. The only thing in my mind at that moment was that I didn't do it. Eventually I became aware of a voice coming from a microphone, repeatedly saying "I didn't do it. I didn't do it." At the same time I realized that my mouth was moving. Tears filled my eyes and I managed to stop my repetition to whisper, "I'm sorry."

I tried to turn away but found that my hands were tightly gripping the podium. My knuckles were turning white from the pressure and, when my hands had been gently removed by Effie, I couldn't uncurl my fingers.

That night I stayed in my room on the train while the rest of the party went to the dinner that was being thrown in my honor. Effie told me I needed to rest and Haymitch said that they didn't want to be embarrassed by another break down.

~⁂~

**A/N: So, I was hoping to put the whole Victory Tour in this chapter but I've sort of run out of steam today. There may be another one. Depends on if inspiration suddenly strikes or not. **

**If you aren't ButterflyBliss8 you can ignore the below part. Unless you want to read it.**

**To ButterflyBliss8: I wanted so badly to reply to your review, but your PM was turned off... :( This is the only way I can think to do it although I don't even know if you are reading this story. It made me so happy to hear that you liked it! To me, the girl was Katniss. However, after reading your review I suppose it could be Annie. Really all I wanted was for people to interpret it any way that they want. Thank you for telling me what you thought! **

**Also thanks to Solaryllis, LovePeeta and laughingismyhobbie for reviewing the last chapter. **


	6. On Fire

They tell you were you need to go

Tell you when you need to leave

They tell what you need to know

Tell you who you need to be

~On Fire (Switchfoot)

~⁂~

The rest of the District tours passed without incident, possibly because they didn't allow me to speak anymore and I had nothing to say. The closer we got to the career districts the worse my nightmares got. I didn't leave my room except for when it was required of me to appear in a District. An Avox delivered my food to my room and came back a few hours later to grab it, the food untouched. No one came to try to force me to eat and the only times Effie ever made me was at the dinners prepared after the mayors gave their speeches. Cinna stayed silent on the subject but I could see the worried look in his eyes as, day after day, he had to tailor my outfits.

When we were at District Four I asked Effie, my first time speaking to her since eleven, if I was allowed to go down and see the ocean. She didn't answer me for a while, just sat there looking down at her clipboard. Finally she shook her head, "I'm sorry Katniss. It just won't fit into the schedule. Maybe you can come back another time." I gave a half-hearted smile and nodded my head before turning back and going into my room. I don't remember anything else about that District except for the many Victors they had sitting in their own roped off area.

In District One I remember thinking about Cato and Clove. How viciously they had fought the other tributes. I couldn't remember who they had actually killed or not, my dreams inching their way into my reality. By the time we reached the Capitol I was a complete mess. I had lost most of my body weight, which wasn't a substantial amount anyway, and my bones were the first things that you saw. Although no one said anything I knew that they were trying to think of what had to be done.

The solution was very similar to the thin layer of padding added to my dress after the games. This time however they placed the padding directly on my body. I asked Cinna about it and he told me, "The material of the dress can only hold so much weight. The amount of padding that we have to use this time is more than it can hold. So we've had to improvise." Nothing more was said until Cinna finished dressing me in the red dress he had designed for my Capitol visit. Although the interview was before the dinner Cinna thought it would be easier to use one dress that could pass for both events rather than having to rearrange the padding in between for a new dress.

Effie had just knocked on the door and alerted us to the fact that "the Capitol is coming up. Time for the biggest event Katniss." I was just about to open the door when Cinna pulled me into a hug. It surprised me at first and I was about to pull away, not having been touched like that since the beginning of the tour, when I heard him start to whisper. "You know what the Capitol is like. Don't let them take your fire. No matter what they say, remember who you are and what you stand for." With that he pulled away and straightened a sleeve on my dress before opening the door for me and ushering us into the sitting room.

~⁂~

I stood behind the curtain with Caesar Flickerman running through the schedule one last time. Some of the stagehands were playing with my microphone trying to hide it more, to create the illusion that I wasn't sitting in front of thousands of people, but instead just talking to one person. As if thousands of people weren't sitting at home and watching anyway.

As everyone else was rushing around, Caesar led me to the chair that was to be my shelter for the next hour and a half. Cinna's words kept running through my mind. What could the Capitol be planning for me? And what did I stand for? I was so preoccupied in my thoughts that I missed the question the stagehand had asked me. I turned to him when I realized he was waiting for an answer and asked, "What? I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention."

He smiled and repeated himself. "I said, would you like something to drink? Sitting here for that long without something can be torture sometimes. Especially when there are refreshments being handed out among the audience."

I looked around and noticed that there was a glass of something clear next to Caesar's chair and that there was a chest filled with ice and drinks that I assumed was for the VIPs who had paid the extra money to spend the show behind the scenes. I could already feel my throat getting dry as I thought about what the next two hours would include. Nodding my head, I waited for him to go and get me a glass from the sink sitting back there.

"What would you like? We have spring water, purified, mineral and sparkling. Or if you would prefer we have many types of juices and other beverages."

I started when I heard him start talking. Tap water must not be such a commodity here. But of course not. Why would you want to drink out of the tap when you have so many different ways to drink your water? I looked back up at him and asked him for some spring water, thinking that it sounded the closest to what I was used to. He nodded and walked off returning a few minutes later with a glass.

I placed it beside me and glanced up to see Caesar approaching, his pale blue suit looking exactly the same as it had the last time I saw him. He smiled at me and stated that "the interview will begin in a few minutes" as he breezed past to go check on another part of the stage.

The minutes passed quickly as Caesar returned and took his seat. The lights dimmed and I could hear the stagehands behind us running around, frantically trying to solve a last minute problem, before the curtains were drawn back and the camera's started rolling.

Caesar turned to face the audience with a smile. "Hello and welcome. To all of you at home, thanks for tuning in. This evening we have a special guest joining us. Katniss Everdeen, victor of the 74th Hunger Games." He turned to me. "Now, Katniss. You've had a few months to adjust to your new life. Tell me, how does it feel having the whole country watching you?"

I cleared my throat and shifted in my seat. "Well, um... It's not what I was expecting."

"Would you be willing to clarify why?"

I nodded and tried to smile. "I have the money to buy anything I want now and everyone knows me. Even going to other districts and seeing people I had never seen who knew my name. It was a surreal experience."

"So you mean you experienced what I do every time I walk out my front door?" Caesar asked with a laugh.

"I suppose so."

He asked a few more pointless questions along that same line before there came one that I hadn't been expecting. "I know that I'm excited for the answer to this question. Last time we talked you told me that there was no one special in your life back home. Since everyone knows your name now have you found the one that makes you feel that spark?"

I blanched, not quite sure how to answer. Although everyone in District 12 knew that Gale and I were a couple I'm still not ready for everyone to know about our relationship. Opening my mouth I shocked even myself with my answer. "You know Caesar, there just isn't anyone that makes me want to put the time and effort into feeling that spark."

Caesar laughed. "Feeling rather high and mighty now aren't you Katniss."

The rest of the questions blurred together until he asked me one that got me worried. "So Katniss. Can you tell me about your talent?"

It was a simple question. All they wanted was a few short sentences about what my talent was and why I had chosen that. I had it all prepared. I could hear myself practicing what to say in my head. I only had to open my mouth and repeat myself. I tried to do that. I opened my mouth and the only thing that came out was a quiet "I don't remember."

Caesar laughed and patted my hand. "I think that demonstrates her talent quite well. Comedy. That's what she was meant to do."

The crowd laughed politely and I knew that no matter what Caesar said or did now he couldn't salvage this interview.

~⁂~

Cinna changed me into a simple, floor length, yellow dress (complete with the padding) for the dinner that night. As soon as he deemed my makeup and hair finished Effie whisked me into the car and we drove over to the President's house.

Compared to the houses in Victor's Village, which are practically mansions compared to the Seam houses, Snows house was unmatched. The house itself could fit into the Town Square of District 12 and most of the shops around it would have to be taken out in order to fit the gardens. In the middle of the gravel driveway there was a fountain that reminded me of a pool that I had seen once in a picture book my father had brought home for Prim and me before they cut wages in the mine even more.

My door was opened by one of the many boys all dressed in dark red dress shirts and black pants that were milling about the end of the driveway near the door. After Effie and I exited the car continued on the circular portion and back out the gate to wait until we were finished.

The inside of the house was decorated with more golds and reds than I had ever seen before. A live band was playing in one corner and tables piled with food filled another corner. The center of the room was filled with people, either eating or dancing.

The conversations stopped when someone noticed me standing near the door. I saw Snow make his way over from where he had previously been talking to a young man with black hair. I tried to smile back at him determined not to fall apart tonight. When he reached me he linked his arm through mine and turned to face the crowd. I tried not to gag at the smell of blood that was even more obvious this close to him. "Thank you all for coming out tonight in support of our newest addition to the Victor family. I can tell that a few of you have already found the food tables." Snow paused to allow for the polite laughter that rang through the room. "I know that all of you are dying to have a conversation with Miss Everdeen or at the least a picture taken with her. I can assure you that that will be happening tonight. Just don't keep her for too long. There are others who want to talk with her."

He swept me from the door and led me over to the first guest as the music began playing again. The man was tall, not overbearingly so, and his hair was a strange bronze color. Although he wore a suit it was fashioned in the most provocative way possible. When he asked me to dance his green eyes flashed with a joke that I didn't get.

He took my hand in his and placed his other on my waist. After a few seconds of swaying in silence he spoke, his voice a purr near my ear. "You don't know who I am do you."

Although the way he said it obviously wasn't a question I felt like I had to answer. "There's just been so many names and I haven't had time to try and..." I weakly started before he interrupted me.

"I find it refreshing. You wouldn't believe how awful it can be walking around and having every girl know your name."

Suddenly it clicked in my mind. "You're Finnick Odair."

He laughed and stepped back a few feet to bow from the waist with a flourish of his hand. "At your service."

We started dancing again. "I saw you in District 4. You looked upset."

I started and took my attention off of the ground. "You could tell?"

He nodded. "You forget I once had to go through that. The Tour is the worst. After a while it's not so bad."

"I find that hard to believe."

He smiled. "It does help when you have people willing to talk it through with you."

I remembered Gale saying something along those lines the night we had fallen asleep on the porch swing. The music was slowing down and about to come to end. I was surprised with Finnick pulled me closer, his mouth by my hair. "I wasn't going to say anything but don't tell Snow no. You'll know what I mean when the time comes. It's just easier to accept things the way they are." He pulled back and walked off, the dance being over.

I had no time to think about what he meant, being passed from one guest to the other, my time taken up with dances, meaningless conversations and pictures. When the night was about to come to a close, the orchestra announcing the last few songs, I was finally able to make my way over to grab a plate of food.

I found a quiet place that didn't have many people crowded in and was starting to eat some of the lamb stew I had gotten when I saw Snow making his way over towards me, the black haired man he had been talking to earlier in tow. When they reached me Snow pulled on the bottom of his suit coat to straighten it and I got a comical image of him pushing people out of the way like a crazed fan. I managed to hold in my laughter and hear what he was saying. "Katniss I would like you to meet someone." He pulled the man behind him up by his arm and, without letting go of him continued. "This is my nephew Everrett. He was my sister's child and when she died last year I was given custody of him. Although he has everything he could ask for he has mentioned to me that he's lonely. We all watched your interview and from what I heard you are a little lonely as well. To me this provides the perfect opportunity. Whenever you're in the Capitol, which I can assure you will be often, it would be nice for you to have a friend don't you think?" The emphasis he put on friend almost made me sick. He patted my arm before I had a chance to say anything. "Well I'll let you finish eating. You have to leave early tomorrow. District 12 is coming up isn't it? I will see you again in a few weeks. Come along Everrett."

He walked off, still holding onto his nephews arm, and left me standing there alone, my plate shaking in my hand.

~⁂~

**A/N: I feel soooo awful leaving this hanging for so long! Summer was way busier than it had a right to be and the end just snuck up on me. Oddly enough I should have more time to write now that school has STARTED. SHOULD have more time. **

**But on the bright side this is the longest chapter I have written. EVER. Halfway to 3000 words. Hopefully my dialogue is convincing. Thank you to everyone for your continuing support and I hope you enjoy this chapter. Let me know what you think! **


	7. Never Too Late

But I was wrong

To ever test us

This broken road

Is more than I can take

So this is the way that I'll tell you

That I'll leave you alone if you

Want me to

~ Never Too Late (Three Days Grace)

~ ⁂ ~

A week after I got back from the Capitol there was a blizzard. Mayor Undersee closed the mines until further notice when the snow fell for a day and a half without showing signs of stopping. Everyone stayed in their house, frightened of getting lost. The electricity was off and everyone was relying on what wood they had stored. Food was running low all across the District, no one able to get more and most not having expected the storm. Finally on the third day, the snow stopped. On the fourth day some men came out and cleared paths in the snow drifts to allow people to restock their food supply and the miners returned to work.

When the snow was cleared my mother got the most patients she had ever had in a period of two days. Prim stayed home from school to help her. Because those from the Seam were over-worked and under-fed being confined in their cold houses for four days with hardly any food helped them fall to disease. My mother had me handing out food until it was gone. We had already bought most of the food in the District and the next train wasn't coming for a few days.

We had resigned ourselves to this fact until Hazelle showed up on our doorstep holding a shivering Posy. Both their faces were drawn and Posy's cheeks were hollow. My mother invited them in and started heating up some water to boil tea leaves in while asking what they needed. Hazelle shifted Posy on her lap and said, "We started running low on food the first day. Gale thought he would have more time to preserve his kills and most of them were starting to spoil. He stopped eating almost completely, telling me that he didn't need it anyways as he wasn't working. I ate less too, but the food was gone by the end of the second day.

"The wood we had managed to save was buried under the snow and our matches were gone. We tried to keep the fire burning from what little wood we had managed to bring in. It didn't last long though and Gale refused to allow any furniture to be burnt, saying that we would need it after the blizzard. We spent the next two days wearing all our clothes and huddling together for warmth. Then Posy got sick.

"I tried to keep her away from the others but Gale said she needed the warmth. He held her until the blizzard was done and the mines reopened. He went back yesterday even though I could tell he wasn't feeling good." She paused, and took a shaky breath. My mother placed a glass of tea on the table and Hazelle thanked her before placing the mug in Posy's hands. She shifted Posy again before continuing, "I spent the whole day worrying about him and when he got home he collapsed. I managed to get him to the couch and covered him up with blankets. I wouldn't have come to you for a fever except he hasn't woken up yet. I just don't know what to do." Her eyes filled with tears and I realized just how desperate she must be.

Gale and I still hadn't spoken since I got back and I was sure he wouldn't enjoy any help from my family. More specifically, from me. Nevertheless when my mother and Prim left to treat him in person I scavenged through the cupboards hoping to throw together even a small bag of food.

After a frantic search I only had a sad pile of crackers and some dried apples to show for it. The cold fingers of shame started to grip me. If I tried to give them only that whereas we had given everyone else plenty of food what would they think? I sat down at the table and placed my head in my hands before quickly jumping up again with a squeak of triumph. Haymitch was bound to have food as he could almost survive on alcohol alone.

I gathered the bits of food into a small bag and headed across the village to raid Haymitch's cupboards. His house was silent and I felt like I should tiptoe across the porch rather than walk. When I knocked on his door the silence continued. The door was unlocked so I walked in and found him lying at his table, sound asleep. Careful not to awaken him I opened doors and took whatever was the first thing that stuck out to me.

When the bag was full I went out the door and released a breath that I didn't know I had been holding. The thought of Haymitch waking up to see me rummaging through his cupboards was a more frightening thought than I had realized.

The bag was heavier now and I hoped that whatever was in there would be enough until Sunday when Gale would most likely go out hunting. The animals should start to venture out around then realizing that the storm had finally passed.

I started walking out of the Village and paused when I reached the square. Gale would probably enjoy some warm broth if he wasn't feeling well and I was sure that Hazelle would love to have some fresh bread to go with whatever was in the bag. Everywhere I looked didn't have either a broth or anything that could be used to make one. The last place I looked at did have some small potatoes and with some milk from Lady it seemed like it would make at least a passable soup or something. I was about to buy the potatoes when I realized that I had forgotten my money back at the house and the seller refused to give them to me on credit, saying that they needed the money for the next shipment.

I still wanted to get bread at the least and so I made my way over to the bakery, hoping that Mr. Mellark was working the front rather than Mrs. Mellark. The bell on the door clinked loudly when I opened it and I winced at the echoing sound that spread through the whole front room. It was warm inside and I realized that I had forgotten my gloves back at the house in my haste to get the food to the Hawthornes.

The blonde head that was bent over a paper raised when the bells clanked and I noticed with relief that it was the closest to Mr. Mellark that I could hope to get rather than him. His face flushed and he placed the papers under a small book near the register. He stood up as I walked over closer and leaned forward on his hands which he had placed on the counter. "What can I help you with?"

I looked around, noticing the lack of food in the display cases, "Do you have any bread?"

"I think my dad is baking some right now. If you're willing to wait a few minutes it should be done then."

I nodded and looked around again, not quite knowing what to do while I waited. Peeta seemed to know this because he moved over to a case that had a few choices of pastries left inside.

"These aren't entirely fresh but I think there's some tea made in the back. It's just a plain mint tea but it should help wash it down." He shrugged, "Are you even hungry?"

Before I knew what I was doing I nodded my head and he disappeared into the back after handing me a cookie and a small biscuit on a napkin. The warmth of the bakery was starting to get to me so I put the bag down on the ground and shrugged out of my jacket, switching the napkin from one hand to another.

Peeta came back out when I was putting the jacket on top of the bag. He nodded towards it and asked, "Hunting?"

I shook my head, "I'm delivering some food to a sick family."

Peeta handed me the mug of tea and I moved to place the napkin on the counter.

"Sorry if it's a little watery."

I looked at him, "Um... What-?"

He pointed towards the mug. "I guess my mom ran out of tea leaves and she refuses to leave them in her water for more than a minute. She always makes the tea in the pot too. If you want sugar I'm sure my dad could spare some to put in it."

I shook my head taking a sip and trying not to make a face at the lack of flavor. "It's fine."

He laughed, "Yeah. Right."

Silence followed for a little while, probably just a few seconds but what really felt like long and drawn-out minutes. Peeta's voice broke the silence, "You're not at school anymore."

It wasn't a question but I answered it anyway, if only to possibly start a conversation, "No. I decided that there wasn't anything I needed it for since it's not like I can really get a job."

Peeta shrugged, "I guess not. You're not really missing anything though. Just the same old, same old. Although the other day we learned a rather interesting fact about the coal mines."

I smiled and the mug joined the napkin on the counter, "Oh really? And this was... What?"

"Did you know that more coal was mined last year than ever before?"

His smile tuned me into the fact that he was joking, "And who said this?"

He leaned forward to whisper the answer like it was a big secret but before he said anything his dad's voice rang out from the back "Peeta!" He sighed and moved back, "I'll be back out."

I heard some murmuring of voices coming out of the back and then Peeta poked his head back around the corner. "How many loafs did you want?"

I picked up the bag of food and felt its light weight in my hands again. "I'll take two."

He nodded and came back out a minute or two later with two loaves of bread filled with nuts. He wrapped the loaves up in the paper behind the counter while saying, "I hope the nuts are okay. Dad was trying to get rid of them before they go bad. Also the new shipment is coming in soon."

I shrugged. "Anything is fine."

He handed me the loaves and I put them into the bag then straightened up, "I was wondering if I could have them on credit. I forgot my money at the house and I didn't want to take the time to go back-"

He put his hand up and waved me away. "I'll tell my dad."

I nodded. "Thank you Peeta."

He smiled slightly at me and as I was leaving I saw him pull his paper back out from under the book. The intent look returned to his face and he picked up his pencil again to continue what he had been doing when I walked in.

~ ⁂ ~

My mom and Prim were still with Gale in the back bedroom when Vick answered the door. Rory was sitting outside the door with his chin resting on his knees and Posy was sitting beside him trying to interest him into playing dollies with him. He didn't look away from the wall even when Vick gleefully announced that I had brought raisins.

Hazelle came out of the bedroom and smiled at me, motioning for me to come inside. I did, hitting the snow off my shoes before.

"How is he?" I asked, looking towards the bedroom door.

"Your mother says he should be fine in a few days." She looked inside the bag of food and then towards the loaves I was still holding in my hands. "You didn't have to do this Katniss."

I shook my head. "I wanted to. Besides, if you had come to us earlier we would have given you more. My mother gives everything to the sick."

I held the loaves out to her but she shook her head. "I can't take those Katniss. They had to have cost too much. I could never repay you."

I gave a low laugh. "I don't need payment. I have more money than I know what to do with. This is the least I can do. I thought you may be able to make a stew. That wouldn't be the same without fresh bread."

Hazelle smiled. "Thank you." She put the loaves down near the sack and then glanced over her shoulder towards Rory. Vick had joined him and Posy, who had convinced him to play with her. She lowered her voice, "About Gale-"

I shook my head again. "It doesn't matter."

Hazelle threw her hand down and hit the table with a smack which got Rory's attention. She looked back at him and then moved around the table towards me. "It does Katniss. He misses you. I know he does. He's just too proud to say it. He's like his father in that regard. What you said. It hurt him. I don't know if that was your intent but if it was-" She paused when there was sound behind her.

I looked up from the table to see Rory standing there. He narrowed his eyes at me but addressed his question to his mother. "What is she doing here?"

Hazelle motioned towards the food. "Katniss brought food for us."

Rory shook his head. "Gale won't want it. He won't eat it. Not if he knows it's from her."

Hazelle sighed. "That's why we don't tell him."

"I will. If you won't I will. I won't let him eat something that comes from someone like her."

Hazelle didn't say anything to this and I got the impression that this wasn't the first time something like this had come up. I wondered if Prim was the only reason my mother was in the bedroom helping Gale in the first place.

I opened my mouth to say something when the bedroom door opened and Prim came out. "Mother needs more water Rory." She looked at me with a helpless expression on her face and I knew that she had heard what Rory was saying. She disappeared back inside the room when Rory gave a nod to the affirmative and went out the door.

Hazelle shook her head and moved to put some of the food inside the cupboards. I sat down at the table and played with the cuff of my jacket. "He hates me." It wasn't a question and Hazelle knew it.

She shook her head. "He'll come around. They both will. Bringing us food may have been a step in the right direction Katniss but you'll need to talk to him." She wasn't whispering as she had been when Rory was sitting by the door and I began to think that she didn't want Rory to realize how mad she herself was at me.

I looked back towards the bedroom door. "I don't know why he would talk to me. Even if he does forgive me I'll just hurt him again. It's bound to happen. I warned him at the beginning that I didn't know how to-" I swallowed hard and blinked. I could feel tears pricking the backs of my eyes and I took a shaky breath before looking back at Hazelle. "I don't want to lose him."

She put down the small bag of corn that she had in her hands and looked me straight in the eyes. "Then don't."

We didn't say anything else and when Rory came back I couldn't stand the way he looked at me, my brain making him grow in height and his face becoming leaner. I told Hazelle to let Gale know I was thinking about him and I turned and made the trek back to my house where I climbed under the covers and tried to keep myself from shaking.

~ ⁂ ~

A/N: So, I wasn't planning on ending this chapter here. I actually wanted to go on a bit further. But I'm at a loss as to how to do that right this second. And this is already my longest chapter yet.

I'm so, so, so, so sorry about the long wait. I wanted to update before November but I discovered a new tv show (Merlin, great tv show if anyone is looking for something new to watch. The first three seasons are up on Netflix. Season 4 starts this Friday for us Americans), NaNoWriMo snuck up on me (I had actually wanted to have a plan this year, didn't happen) and I was stuck with a bad case of writers block (which explains why the beginning of this chapter may seem choppy. I wanted to fix it but couldn't figure out how. I may go back later). My New Years Resolution: Update at least once a month. (Oh yeah, HAPPY NEW YEAR!)

Thank you to everyone who reviewed or added this story to their alerts. Every email I got about that made me smile. :D

_**Completely un-edited.**_


	8. Speaking a Dead Language

Oh, I wonder

When did it all stop making sense?

I don't understand

I remember we were so sure, so innocent

Oh, but that was then

Can we ever go back again?

Can we ever go back?

~Speaking a Dead Language (Joy Williams)

~ ⁂ ~

When Saturday came around my mother told Gale that he would be well enough to return to the mines the next week. She expressly forbade him from hunting in the woods on Sunday for fear that the cold would affect his weakened immune system and he would relapse.

I asked her to take the money I owed for the bread to the bakery but she told me that she wouldn't have time to make the stop. I couldn't understand her reluctance to go near the bakery. Whenever we needed bread she would either have Prim stop by on her way home from school or send me if she thought I had nothing to do. Once, right after we moved into the new house, she decided that she wanted to try to bake her own bread. The lump of coal that came out of the oven could put any of the high quality coal from the mines to shame.

I planned on going to the bakery that day but Prim wanted my help with her English essay on the necessity and benefits of coal in the lives of the Capitol citizens.

Sunday morning I woke up before the sun rose. There was no movement in the house as I dressed and I tried to close the door quietly behind me. The cold nipped my fingers as I put my hands into the new gloves my mother had ordered for me. The clouds that had been ever present since the storm had moved on overnight and the few stars that were still shining did nothing to help with my eyesight. I pulled a small flashlight out of my pocket and the snow glimmered under its gleam.

Snow in Victor's Village is different than snow in the Seam. From the Seam's proximity to the mines the coal dust covers the snow within a few hours causing it to become a softer version of the ground. Victor's Village is far enough away that its snow remains as white as it was when it fell. The houses further towards the back still have untouched snow covering them and their yards.

As I reach the Town I notice a few lights blinking on above some of the shops. The sky is beginning to lighten and I hurry through the square, hoping to avoid everyone's notice. The Seam is still dark, all the miners choosing to sleep in on their day off. I avoid the road that passes by the Hawthorne's, choosing instead to take a longer route.

The gray snow on the ground of the meadow was covered in footprints and there were larger piles spread out across the expanse, evidence of the younger children's free time. I walked across the ground towards the fence, adding my footprints to the many criss crossing paths that already existed.

I paused for a second to listen for the tell tale buzz out of habit and then slipped underneath the fence and headed towards the rock. On the way there I grabbed my bow from its hiding place, not planning on doing any hunting but wanting to be prepared just in case.

I watched the sunrise from the rock. The pinks and oranges mixed in with the rising sun took my breath away and I appreciated the freedom to be able to take the time to watch. When I started to feel the cold through my layers I stood up and checked the snares Gale had set the last time he was in the woods. A few of the traps held small animals and I placed them in my bag, wanting to drop them off with Hazelle.

When I came close to the fence again I noticed a figure standing near it, hunched over against the cold. I hid behind the cover of the trees until I was able to realize that the figure wasn't clothed in the white uniforms worn by the Peacekeepers. The hacking cough that echoed every few minutes is what eventually drove me from my hiding place. Even if the figure was a Peacekeeper they wouldn't be able to do much when they had a cough like that.

The figure turned their back when I reached the fence and I realized that it was Gale. I crawled through the gap and stood near the fence ready to run if any attempt at a conversation turned into confrontation. He didn't say anything and neither did I but I could tell that he was waiting for me to say something.

I shifted the bag next to my feet, trying to get it to stand up. "Gale."

His shoulders bent more as he hacked his cough again. I stood still, not knowing what I should do.

When his coughing fit subsided he spoke first, "I want to know why."

I knew what he was talking about but, wanting to delay having to answer for even a minute, I asked, "Why what?"

He laughed softly, interrupted by a quick cough, before answering. "Why you said I wasn't worth the time and effort."

I swallowed, playing with the bag again just to have something to do. "I didn't mean to say that."

He shrugged, his back still to me. "That doesn't change the fact that you did."

I shook my head, not remembering that he wouldn't be able to see me.

"I just want to know why." He turned around when he said this and I looked down at the ground to avoid his eyes.

"I was put on the spot. You know that I never wanted _this_." I motioned between him and myself.

"I thought you had changed."

I bit my lip, trying to think of some way to word my reply so that he wouldn't be more upset. "I still don't want it." I looked up when I said this and saw the flash of pain in his eyes.

He straightened his back a bit and nodded his head, "Then I guess I'll leave you alone." He turned around again and began to walk off, back towards his house.

"Gale."

He paused for a second, waiting for what I had to say. I wanted to tell him everything. How I had never wanted to put myself in the position for a pain like my mothers. How I had missed him the past few weeks. How I couldn't find a reason for him to stay with someone like me. How Rory helped me know that I had to make things right. What Hazelle had told me. How I wanted him to stay but I couldn't believe that _he_ would want to.

When I opened my mouth all that came out was a squeak and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get any words out. Gale nodded his head again and kept walking, leaving me behind to try and find my voice.

~ ⁂ ~

The bell on the door of the bakery dinged as I walked in but it was drowned out by the sounds of the argument coming from the back room. Mr. Mellark looked up from the customer that he was helping and smiled at me, motioning to someone on the stairs. Peeta stood up and came down, his right cheek slightly redder than the other from resting it on his hand.

"Drawing?"

Peeta smiled sheepishly. "It's always better to just disappear when my mom gets into one of her moods. My dad normally lets me just hide on the stairs. It's actually more comfortable than it would seem."

I nodded not really feeling like talking too much today. "I brought the money I owed for the bread." I dug around in my pocket and then pulled out a few bills, placing them on the counter.

He picked them up and counted them before looking at me. "This is too much."

I nodded again. "I know. We need some more bread. A white one and then one of the grainy ones you gave us last week."

Peeta smiled slightly. "That still doesn't cost this much."

It was my turn to smile sheepishly. "I was hoping you had some cheese buns left."

Peeta's smile grew a little larger before he disappeared into the back. His mother must have noticed that he was actually working because he returned a few minutes later holding a small bag of what I guessed to be cheese buns. He put the bread into other small bags and then put all the bags together into a larger one. He slid it across the counter towards me and then made his way over to the register. The customer Mr. Mellark had been helping had left while Peeta was in the back and I suddenly realized that Mr. Mellark himself was nowhere to be seen.

Peeta came back with some coins in his hands and handed them to me before pushing the bag even closer. "I had just finished up with the batch of cheese buns. They're completely fresh."

I smiled as I picked up the bag. "Thank you Peeta."

He nodded and then took up his position on the stairs again as his dad came back into the room. I waved goodbye to them both and then walked back out the door into the cold.

~ ⁂ ~

After dropping the bread off at the house I took some cheese buns and wrapped them up in a checkered napkin from the kitchen. My mother and Prim were upstairs so I managed to get out without being questioned.

The walk to the Seam was very different from when I walked there this morning. Every look I got, every second glance, made me feel as if everyone knew and as if they were all judging. Watching me to see what I would do. It made me feel like I was in the games again, the camera's following me and watching my every move.

I didn't go through the square like I had this morning. Instead I went along the alleys behind the shops, the areas filled with the dumpsters. If a light rain had started falling it almost would have been like I was eleven again. Except this time I was the one with the bread and I was giving the dumpsters a wide berth.

The white snow of town quickly gave way to the gray covering of the Seam. I took the shortcuts I had learned from my time living there and made my way mostly unnoticed to the Hawthorne's house. The lights were on inside and there was a small tendril of smoke snaking it's way out of the chimney. I allowed myself a quick smile. Gale must have been out gathering wood this morning.

I went around to the back door, knowing that it would be less likely for Hazelle to answer than the front. After the first knock the door opened and I looked down to see Posy smiling up at me. She didn't say anything but disappeared for a second, coming back with Gale. She still didn't say anything when she came back but she peeked out from behind his leg where she had a tight grip on his pants.

I noticed her eyes stray towards the napkin in my hand and, with a quick glance at Gale, I bent down and handed them to her, "They're cheese buns for you and your brothers."

She took the bundle with both her hands and after giving me another small smile she ran off calling Vick and Rory's names.

I straightened back up to see Gale looking at me, his hands in his pockets. "What are you doing here Katniss? I thought we had talked back in the meadow."

I shook my head. "You didn't let me finish."

He leaned back against the door frame and crossed his arms over his chest. "Then finish."

I glanced inside, the noise of Hazelle and the kids leaking out the door. "Not here."

He laughed, looking away. "Then where?"

"The woods."

"Your mother gave me strict orders to stay away from the woods today."

I smiled, hopeful that he was even thinking about it. "She gave you strict orders not to go _hunting _today. Sitting in the woods can't harm anything."

He shrugged then turned back inside, grabbed his coat off the hook and then yelled to his mother that he was going to go out.

On the way to the fence Gale shoved his hands deep in his coat pockets and I felt the urge to take them in mine and warm them up. I knew he wouldn't appreciate that and so I instead played with the edges of my gloves.

We were silent until we reached the rock, our rock. I sat down on the rock and, when Gale didn't move to sit next to me, patted the spot with my hand. Gale ignored me and remained standing, moving in front of me. "You wanted to talk to me out here." He motioned around. "So, talk."

I bit my lip, trying to gather my thoughts; hoping that I could get what I wanted to say across to him. "I didn't want this-"

He shook his head, "You told me that."

"I know. I have to say it this way. It- I just have to."

He shrugged. "Fine. Just don't take too long. It's cold."

I took a deep breath before starting again, "I didn't want this Gale. You talked me into it. You said you could teach me how to love. But lessons take time to sink in. It's like when we would get ready for our history exams. We would extensively cover the subject before we took our test. They didn't just tell us what the test was on and then give us the paper. That's what happened to me. I was told the subject matter and then given the test. It's only to be expected that I would fail."

Gale looked at me, his face expressionless. "I don't get it."

I bit my lip again. "I still want to learn. But I need time to pass another test." I stood up and reached for his hand. "Please don't give up on me." I heard my voice crack and a slight smile crossed his lips. He pulled his hand out of his pocket and covered mine with his.

"Okay Catnip." He pulled me into a hug and I smiled, a full smile for the first time since the Victory Tour, as I smelled his familiar scent of pine.

Later, after I had walked Gale back to his house and he had kissed me goodbye, my mother gave me the news. "Katniss. The Capital called. They said you were due for a visit."

~ ⁂ ~

**A/N: Look! Two chapters in one month! :D I'm actually very excited to get this chapter up. Hopefully now things will start to pick up. I've actually decided how this story should end and all that's left is sorting out a few details and then actually writing the chapters. **

**Thank you to everyone who has reviewed. Every time I got a new email of a review or alert I squealed. I think I almost scared my mom. It's actually those reviews that helped me keep writing this chapter. So, review? :) **


	9. Misery

Look at all these happy people

Living their lives

Look at all these plastic people

They're dying inside

Look at all these shallow people

Telling their lies

Look at all these empty people, people

~Misery (Good Charlotte)

~ ⁂ ~

The Capitol seemed different this time. There were no reporters to welcome me at the train station, no pushy people trying to get a statement or word from me. It seemed darker somehow.

I saw Haymitch before I left, the first time in months. He ran out of his house as I was leaving and gave me a hug, whispering how sorry he was into my ear. His goodbye, coupled with Finnick's warning from earlier and the lack of Effie or any escort on the train ride, left me with a sense of dread for this visit.

Two Peacekeepers met me at the depot and I fell into step between them, following them towards the smaller building overshadowed by the Training Center. I had never been in the building but both times I had been to the Capitol I had walked by it and heard the sounds of laughter ringing out of it. My curiosity had gotten the better of me the first time I saw it and I had asked Haymitch about while we were sitting at dinner. The cringe that Effie gave when Haymitch explained what it was for told me that although it may be practiced openly in the Capitol, the act wasn't something to be commonly talked about. Or at least not around Effie.

The lights cast a visible path through the smoke riddled air and I tried to convince myself that this was no different than the coal filled air I had breathed back at home. The Peacekeepers didn't move in past the doorway and I looked back at them wondering what I was supposed to do. The pointed me up the stairs then turned and left the building, the door closing behind them.

The stairs were dimly lit and I tripped near the top when I thought they were all gone. Some of the people walking around the next level looked at me and I heard a short laugh from somewhere. Feeling my face flush I climbed back to my feet and stepped up the last step. I didn't know which way to turn and I thought about just picking a random direction when I heard my name called from the half-opened door in front of me.

President Snow sat in a plush armchair near the corner of the room and his smile nauseated me as I came in. "Close the door would you please Miss Everdeen? We won't want the others to feel tempted to listen to our conversation."

I did as he asked but made no effort to come further inside. He laughed from his chair and twirled a rose around in his fingers. "You can't possibly be scared of me now can you? After all, you were so pleasant at your Victory Tour. Nice and cooperative. I know you made an impression on my nephew." He smiled, his puffy lips pulling back to show his teeth. Although I had seen them before when he had talked I was always surprised that they weren't more like fangs. "But I'm sure you're wondering why you're here. Although I do enjoy exchanging pleasantries with you—not that you ever take it upon yourself to continue the conversation—there is a greater reason for your visit here. No, if I just wanted to talk to you I could have called you."

I nodded my head, unsure if he wanted me to say anything or not.

Snow placed the rose into the lapel of his jacket and tented his hands in front of his face. "You could not have possibly been aware of this but you racked up quite a large sum from your sponsors Miss Everdeen. I must say that you surprised even myself. But you must understand that they don't choose to sponsor a tribute for nothing."

I swallowed hard. "I... I don't understand."

"You were quite popular during your games. And I'm pleased to say that that popularity hasn't worn off in the past months. But sponsors pick the tribute they think has the best chance of winning. And when the tribute has won sponsors expect to be paid back. Having a sponsor isn't so much free money as a loan. Does that make sense?"

"But if I'm supposed to pay them back then why even give me money in the first place?"

Snow laughed. "I was told you were innocent. They don't want money dear. No. What they want is much more valuable in their eyes." He blinked suddenly. "Oh, would you just sit down? You're making me tired just looking at you."

I felt my mouth go dry as I took a shaky first step towards the only other chair in the room. A light scent of roses filled the air and I realized that it had to be coming from the rose in Snow's jacket. My knee bumped the chair and I slowly sank down in it as he began talking again.

"No one lacks for anything in the Capitol. Even the poorest of citizens can have mostly whatever they want. The only thing that seems to be complained about is the lack of companionship. Another human being who will do what they want them to, when they want them to."

I frowned. "But that's not companionship. That's more like having a slave."

Snow sighed as if my answer had physically pained him. "I know that and you know that. But unfortunately that is how they view companionship."

"I still don't know what this has to do with my sponsors."

Snow motioned to me to be quiet. "I was getting to that. The Games happen to take up a lot of their money. This leaves them with less for the rest of the year and they have to adjust their lifestyle accordingly until the difference is made up. Because of this they want to have gratification for their help." He eyed me as if I should be catching on.

I opened my mouth to ask him to explain again but he cut me off. "Obviously I have to say this in blunter terms. What they thrive on is sex, Miss Everdeen. Pure and simple."

I could feel my face flushing and I resisted the urge to bury it in my hands, not wanting to give him the pleasure of knowing how much he had embarrassed me. "So you're saying I have to..." I trailed off unable to finish the sentence.

He smiled at me. "It is expected of you."

I jumped up from the chair. "No! I won't do it."

He shrugged, "It makes no difference to me. I didn't sponsor you. But I beg you to reconsider."

Finnick's warning rang through my head again, 'Don't tell Snow no. It's just easier to accept things the way they are.'

Snow kept talking, "After all, it would be a pity if that lovely little sister of yours—what was her name again?"

"Prim," I whispered, not to answer his question but out of fear.

"Oh yes. Prim. It would be a pity if Prim's name were to be drawn for The Quell. I have a feeling that there's a particularly nasty surprise waiting for those tributes. And then we mustn't forget about your boyfriend. I remember him from the interviews. He's a rather outspoken fellow isn't he? It would be a shame if someone should find out what he really thinks."

I slowly sank back into my chair as he looked at me with a glint in his eye. "There. That's so much better Katniss."

I tried to talk around the lump in my throat but I only managed to get out half the sentence, "What do you want me-"

"If you go down the hall and up the next flight of stairs you should come across room 12. Cinna's waiting for you inside." He stood up and moved to the door before looking back over his shoulder at me. "Oh, and Miss Everdeen. I was going to wait for your most generous sponsor to return but decided putting it off wouldn't do any good. You should feel honored that your first client is of such high standing." He opened the door and stepped outside, letting some of the smoke from the hallway sneak into the room.

I rubbed my eyes with the back of my hands, understanding what had happened but wishing I hadn't. Wishing that I had been naïve enough to leave the room and go back to District 12 and not think about the consequences. Hoping the whole experience would be over soon, I followed Snow's path out the door and ran right into the back of someone.

I was about to mumble an apology when I heard a sharp intake of breath. Looking up I realized it was Finnick. He was walking on the arm of one of the more well-known broadcasters for the Hunger Games. He didn't say anything, just stood there looking at me until the woman on his arm started to pull him away. He called back over his shoulder, "I can talk later." The woman on his arm laughed and injected her piece, "If I'm done with you then that is. I paid good—" Her reply was lost as the door closed behind them.

I turned the other way and walked towards the second dark staircase. I made sure to double check the top stairs before taking a step and managed to avoid tripping again. The door with the number 12 on it was unlocked and I opened it to a room mostly empty of the smoke permeating the hallways. The lights were dimmed and I could just make out Cinna standing near the bed in the center of the room.

I shut the door quietly behind me and threw my hand over my mouth as I tried to stifle a sob. Cinna spun around and hurried over towards me, pulling me into his arms and trying to calm me down. When I was no longer gasping for breath Cinna whispered, "I didn't think he would do it so soon. I was beginning to hope he wouldn't do it at all."

I clutched Cinna's shirt in my hands and sobbed, "He said he'd hurt Prim if I didn't. He said—"

Cinna cut me off. "That's why you're going to do it. You're going to do it to save everyone you love. The same reason everyone else does it." He stepped back, gently pulling his shirt from my sweaty hands. One of my hands was inside his and he was pulling me towards the small bathroom in the back of the room. He sat me down on a stool and set to work doing my hair and makeup. The tears kept rolling slowly down my cheeks until Cinna finally sighed and told me that he didn't have long to perfect my makeup and that if I wanted to be dressed when the client came in I should let him finish.

When he was done he helped me into my outfit from the Opening Ceremony. I glanced back at him about to ask a question. He held up his hand before I could start. "I don't know why you're wearing this Katniss. All I know is that it was requested and I couldn't refuse." Before Cinna left he gave me another hard hug and slipped me a pill, saying that I would want to take it as soon as possible.

After washing down the pill with water I took a seat facing away from the door, not wanting to see the face of the person walking in. In a few minutes the door opened and I heard a chuckle from behind me. "So he decided to take my advice."

The voice was younger sounding than I had imagined, a smooth sound that seemed to fill the room. I bit back my comment about the use of the word advice and just glared at the wall. I heard the door close and the footsteps moved further into the room.

The voice belonging to the footsteps spoke. "Just so you know, I think this is a barbaric practice."

I couldn't hold back the harsh sounding laugh that escaped me when he said this. The smile was evident in his voice when he said, "It's true. That's why I requested your Opening Cermony outfit. I hoped that seeing you in it would remind me about the strong tribute that had gone into the Games, rather than the broken Victor I saw on tour."

I whispered, "Every one's broken," before turning around to see Snow's nephew Everrett standing near the door. His black hair was longer than the last time I had seen him and he fingered it nervously as I stared at him.

"Long hair is all the rage right now you know," Everrett deadpanned.

I blinked slowly and stood up from the chair, unsure of what to do. Everrett turned his bright green eyes up towards the ceiling, looking as if he hoped it would give him a way out of here. "My uncle thought this would be a good birthday present. He called it a coming of age ritual. He's so damn stuck on the past. Every twentieth birthday in the family has been like this forever."

I glanced at Everrett with a scowl on my face. He finally took his eyes away from the ceiling and caught my eyes with his. "It would be so much easier if I could just be like them." He sighed and ran his hands though his hair. "I don't want to hurt you but things could get so much worse if I don't do this."

I nodded and he moved closer to take my hand and lead me to the bed.

~ ⁂ ~

Later, after Everrett had gone, I made a mad dash to the shower and stood under the stream of warm water, folding my arms over my stomach. I could feel the bile rising in my throat and I choked, my tears reaching the point of sobs.

I stayed in the shower until my hands had become prunes and then I stepped out and put on the robe I had found behind one of the doors in the bathroom. When I went back into the main room Finnick was sitting in one of the chairs, wearing the same outfit from earlier. He gave me a half-smile, "I promised her a free session if she would let me go early."

I stayed standing in the doorway, too numb now to move over to the other chair or the bed. I leaned against the doorway and closed my eyes. "Do I have to sleep here?"

"No. You can but they don't expect you to. The training center is left open year round in case you want to go use those rooms."

I nodded but kept my eyes shut. I heard the chair squeak when Finnick got up and the next time he spoke it sounded like he was only a few steps away. "I wish I could say that it gets better. But it does get easier. You learn to take on a persona, forget who you really are and just exist here in the barest form."

I opened my eyes to see if he was serious. "Is that what you do?"

He smiled again, this time a bit larger. "I may act the player but the truth is I'm just a normal guy in love with a crazy girl."

"That must be nice."

Finnick nodded. "Yeah. I wouldn't change it for anything."

I closed my eyes again. "Gale will never forgive me for this."

"So don't tell him."

My eyes opened in shock and I stared at him. "But he'll find out."

Finnick shrugged. "He shouldn't. Really the only way he could find out was if you told him." He saw my look. "You don't have to decide right now. It's just an idea." He walked away from the wall and turned around to motion to me when he was almost to the door. "Let's go to the other rooms."

I picked up the outfit I had worn earlier off the ground and glared at Finnick as he smirked. "Okay. Be that way. Not that it's anything I haven't seen before."

When his back was turned I tried to convince myself that I couldn't just walk to the training center in my robe. When it was on I turned back to Finnick. "I feel dirty again."

He laughed. "Oh how well I understand. After my first time it took me five showers just to start feeling okay again."

"Only five?"

He shrugged again. "Your skin starts getting tender around the fourth."

I felt a small smile crawl across my mouth as we walked out into the hazy smoke of the hallway. The worries about Gale faded to the back of my mind as I thought that I might just manage to survive mostly intact with a friend like Finnick.

~ ⁂ ~

The next few days were filled with meetings in the small building near the Training Center. Whenever Finnick and I had free time together he told me how he's come to deal with it. The many tricks he had learned over the years to keep his mind away from it all.

"Secrets."

I looked at him. "What?"

"They pay me in secrets. You wouldn't believe what I know."

"And they all just tell you things?"

He nodded. "But don't bother trying it yet. In their mind you're still working off a debt. Wait until you start getting new clients to decide what you want in return."

The week was the slowest that I had ever experienced. When the time came for me to go home Finnick gave me a hard hug and whispered, "I know you'll make it."

~ ⁂ ~

It was a Sunday when I got home and rather than my mother and Prim waiting for me I saw Gale standing alone on the platform. I felt panic well up in my chest. I still hadn't decided whether or not to take Finnick's advice or to come right out and tell him.

Gale pulled me into a hug right when my foot touched the ground of the station. I pushed my panic down and hugged him back, reminding myself that it was only Gale. He was safe. His lips brushed my hair and I repeated his name to myself over and over again. Gale, just Gale. He didn't mean anything by it. When he pulled back he leaned in for a kiss but I turned my head so it landed on my cheek instead. I could feel him frowning as he pulled back and I blew out the air I didn't know I had been holding.

This was the moment. I could either tell him or just keep it to myself. I turned towards him, taking a quick step back, intending to at least try to explain the truth to him. What came out of my mouth surprised even me. "Sorry. I'm tired. I think I'm just going to go back to the house and sleep."

I turned around and walked towards Victors Village. It took all my willpower to not turn around.

~ ⁂ ~

A/N: I'm so sorry I didn't update in February but it's a short month and I did update twice in January. Life just got a whole lot busier this last month. Hopefully it will slow down now. But if not I'm flying to New York later in April so I'll be able to write on the plane hopefully. Another bright fact is that on my first run snowboarding today I twisted my knee so that gave me time to finish editing this chapter. I have to say that it looks much better than my past ones and I only have my beta MareMareTheBear to thank for that.

Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. Sorry for the confusion. I had combined a chapter and replaced the previous chapter 8. Thanks for sticking with this story and welcome to the newcomers!


	10. Broken Hearts and Fairytales

Life is so degrading, and I'm pretty sure I hate it.

I gotta get myself out of this town.

Before I'm broken down, lying shattered on the ground,

For all the world to see who I am.

~Broken Hearts and Fairytales (Jake Coco)

~ ⁂ ~

I kept my gaze on the ground as I made my way through town towards Victor's Village. I still wasn't used to coming home from the Capitol and I felt as though everyone who looked at me knew what I was doing and I could imagine the look of disgust in their eyes. A simple hello from a passerby on the street was interpreted as a snide comment. Contrary to Finnick's belief my third visit was no better than my first, not even in the slightest. Back at home the guilt of the secret I was keeping from Gale and my family weighed down on my shoulders and, although I tried to keep eating, I was losing weight and my sleep habits were getting worse. My mother worried that I was getting sick or having a relapse to how I was feeling before the tour. I let her give me the medicine she thought would help but nothing was changing.

The temperature was rising and some of the snow was turning into slush, splashing its muddy colored water up onto my pant legs. Spring was only a few months away and with it would come the Quarter Quell announcement. Haymitch raised his flask to me from his porch and I gave him a grim smile. Although we had never actually talked about what was happening I knew that Haymitch was doing all he could to keep my mother from asking too many questions about my constant visits to the Capitol. I was grateful for his help because without it I would have cracked under the pressure of the secret after the first month.

My gut clenched as I remembered that I would be required to mentor any of the Tributes for this year and have to face their families when they returned home in a box.

When I opened the door to my house I paused in the entryway before shutting the door. I could hear my mother moving around in the kitchen, pots and pans clanging together, trying to help my sister with her math. I saw Prim sitting at the counter, her legs swinging on either side of the stool, possibly chewing on her pencil. "But why does the x have to go there?"

I saw a quick flash of my mother's skirt as she turned around the counter and I imagined her leaning over the math book in front of Prim. "Because x would stand for the amount of ash produced in a year and if it was there," a pause followed, "then the answer would be negative and you can't produce negative ash."

I unwrapped the scarf from around my neck and took off my jacket, hanging it on the hook near the door, as Prim continued to ask my mother questions about the answer to her problem. I worked on unlacing my boots, leaving one foot propping the door open. When my boots are off and placed exactly where my mother liked them, behind the coat rack where no one could see them, I closed the door as quietly as I could manage.

It must not have been as quiet as I had thought because I heard the squeak of the stool moving across the floor and then Prim was flying around the corner yelling "Katniss!". She pulled me into a hug and I was startled for a second by the fact that she had grown taller in the week that I had been gone. My mother used to like to tease me that Prim would be taller than me one day and that I would regret the jokes I had made, but this was the first time that I had even considered the idea that my mother was right. A large part of me wanted to push this revelation aside; to forget that my little sister was growing up.

Prim pulled away and walked me further into the house, clutching my hand and chattering about how much she had missed me and how her classes were going. When we were in the kitchen Prim let go of my hand and allowed my mother to hug me, all the while keeping her one-sided conversation going. When my mother stepped back she took my cheeks in her hand and said, "I missed you Katniss."

Prim got a sly grin on her face and looked at me. "You know who else missed you Katniss?" She didn't give me a chance to even answer instead telling me right away, "Gale."

I blushed and my mother laughed, turning back to her dinner preparations. Prim danced around the kitchen stating in a sing-song voice, "Katniss loves Gale."

When she came near me I grabbed her arm and hugged her again, "I love you, little duck."

She giggled and I kissed her on the top of her head then pushed her back towards the counter. "Now finish your homework."

She pouted but sat down in the stool again and picked up her pencil. I grabbed a pot of peas that my mother had been shelling and picked up where she had left off, losing myself in the sound of boiling water and Prim's pencil scratching on her paper.

"What's it like in the Capitol?" I glanced up and saw Prim looking at me and playing with her pencil.

"What?"

"You've been there four times now. I'm sure you've seen enough of it by now to tell me what it's like." She had gone back to her math and, as she was writing another equation, pressed down on her pencil too hard and broke the tip. She got up and started digging through her bag for a new pencil as I tried to think of how I would answer her.

She sat back down in her stool and looked at me expectantly. My mother kept stirring her pot but I could tell that she was listening closely as well. I put down the pea pod in my hands and leaned over the counter towards her. "Do you remember those stories Daddy used to tell us? About the princesses and nobles and the great big houses that they lived in?" Prim nodded her head. "The Capitol is like that. Everyone lives in a big, fancy house."

Prim looked around our house. "Bigger than this?"

I nodded and smiled, "Much bigger. There's a ball every night and every princess finds her prince there."

Prim giggled. "You don't need a ball to find your prince." She paused and glanced down at her book. "What do you even do when you go there? The parties seem like they'd get boring." She wrinkled her nose and wrote down some more of the numbers from her book.

I picked up the pea pods again, ready to be done talking about the Capitol. "They do. But I've made some friends there and we find things to do to make the time go faster. Besides, the time doesn't seem so long since I know that I get to come home to you." I reached across the counter and poked Prim's nose with an empty pod making her laugh again.

I handed the bowl of peas to my mother and started to walk out of the kitchen, calling back "I'm going to shower."

~ ⁂ ~

I washed off twice, once to get rid of the feel and smell of the Capitol and another time to feel like I was home. When I stepped out of the shower the mirror was fogged up. I was wiping it off when there was a rapid knock on the front door. I didn't hear anything else until I heard Prim calling my name from the stairs.

I opened the door and stepped into the coolness of the hallway. Prim was coming around the same corner and she ran into me, grabbing my waist tightly while trying to catch her breath through her tears. "Prim. Prim calm down. What is it?"

She mumbled her answer into my towel, "There was an accident at the mines."

I bent down to look Prim in the eyes, managing to say, "Mom's going to need help with supplies." before turning back into the bathroom to pull on my clothes. When I came out Prim was gone and I heard her and my mother talking about what supplies they might need to take. I ran down the stairs and jammed my feet into my boots without socks before running out the door and through Victor's Village towards the mines.

Going through the Merchant's quarters was an odd experience. Everyone there was going about their business as usual and I felt like yelling at them that there were people who could be dying not that far from them. People from their own District. But I knew that wouldn't change anything. The Merchants didn't care about the Miners.

There was a large group of people around the entrance to the mines, kept back from being right on top of the miners by a line of Peacekeepers in their white suits. I spotted Hazelle standing on the side of the mines closer to their house, holding tightly onto Posy's hand. Rory was standing beside her, offering a sort of support. Vick was breathing heavily next to Rory and I assumed that he had been the one knocking on our door.

I made my way over to them and Hazelle turned from Rory to cling to me. "They said it was smaller than the last one. There's a better chance for survivors but…" She trailed off and grabbed Rory's hand, squeezing it tightly.

Posy bit her lip and I sat down on the ground next to her. "Mamma said Gale was in there." She turned to me. "Is the same thing that happened to my daddy gonna happen to Gale?"

I firmly shook my head. "No. This is different. He'll get out of there Posy. And when he does he'll be so happy to see you."

Rory glanced down from where he stood with Hazelle and frowned at me. Vick moved over to sit on the other side of me. "Ignore Rory. Gale would want you here." I nodded and gave a small smile as Vick took my hand in his. "Thank you by the way."

I glanced at him, "For what?"

"The cheese buns. You gave them to us a while ago but you've been gone so much I couldn't say anything."

I gave him another small smile. "Vick you don't have to say anything."

He shrugged. "I know. But Gale says to always say thanks. Even if they don't expect it."

I glanced back at Rory to see him staring ahead with a straight face. He was already taller than Hazelle and everyone expected him to catch up to Gale soon. I imagined that Gale had looked similar to Rory five years ago when the last collapse had happened.

When my mother and Prim arrived I was still sitting cross-legged on the ground holding onto Vick's hand. Posy had curled up on the ground and my hand was stroking her hair. Prim went over to Rory and gave him a hug, putting a thermos of warm tea into his hands. I suddenly shivered, the cold finally hitting me, and I felt my mother drape my coat over my shoulders. No one spoke but my mother took Rory's place next to Hazelle while Rory and Prim made their way closer to the front of the crowd.

When Rory was gone Hazelle broke into sobs and clung to my mother as if she were a lifeline. "I don't know what I'm going to do if—"

My mother's shushes interrupted her. "Don't think like that. He'll be fine. I know he will."

Hazelle didn't say anything else but her sobs continued and Vick's hand tightened on mine. Posy sat up and crawled into my lap, saying nothing but, "I'm cold." I wrapped my free arm around her and tried to put as much of my coat around her as possible.

Wailing started up near us a few minutes later as the first of the men came to the top. Carried between them was the body of an obviously dead miner. A young woman pushed her way to the front, dropping to her knees when the Peacekeepers wouldn't let her past. The miners moved through the area the Peacekeepers had kept clear for them and one of them left to help the woman get through the crowd.

Hazelle watched the woman until she couldn't see her anymore and then turned her attention back towards the entrance. I knew what she was thinking because it was the same thought running through everyone's mind, Don't let him be dead too.

The miners came up in a drizzle. There would be a few of them and then ten or fifteen minutes could go past before there was any sign of another miner. Hazelle kept her eyes on the entrance her hand tightly clasping my mother's. Vick was playing with the dirt, drawing the same squiggles over and over again and Posy was trying to stay awake, her head jerking up every so often.

Rory and Prim came back after a while, Prim's hand held tightly in Rory's. It hit me suddenly that my sister had grown up. She wasn't the naive little girl I had left behind so many months before. I would have to try to remember to talk to her later. Rory put his hand on Hazelle's shoulder. "He's down there. They'll get him. He's gonna be fine."

Hazelle nodded and put her hand on Rory's shoulder. There was a commotion up near the front of the crowd, the Peacekeepers saying that the last of the miners were coming up now. Posy jerked her head up again and I rubbed her shoulder.

Hazelle craned her neck, trying to see past the crowd and Vick stood up. I patted Posy's shoulder then stood her up on the ground next to me, pushing myself up after. The people in the crowd who were still missing a family member pushed forward when the rickety elevator started its ascent.

Posy rubbed her eyes and grabbed my hand, trying not to get lost in the push forward. As the miners came out of the elevator cries of joy rang out among the crowd. Hazelle put her hand over her mouth and broke out into sobs when the lanky form of Gale came out of the elevator. Rory's face broke out into a large smile and he started to push through the tightly packed people in front of him.

Gale started to move towards the gap in the Peacekeepers, his head snapping up when he heard Rory shouting his name. Vick ran ahead of Rory, zig-zagging through the legs of the adults. Posy grabbed onto my hand and I held it tightly as I pushed through behind my mother and Hazelle.

It took a while to make it through the crowd, everyone wanting to get to the same place, but we all eventually made it. Rory was the first to reach Gale and he threw his arms around Gale, squeezing him tightly. Vick wrapped his arms around Gale's waist from the back and somehow Posy had managed to wiggle her way into Gale's arms between Rory.

Hazelle hung back, trying to control her sobs, until Gale put Posy down and turned to her. She collapsed into his arms, sobbing "I thought it would happen again. I thought..."

Gale shushed her and rubbed her hair, "No. I wouldn't let you go through that."

I bit my lip to hold back tears as it hit me for the first time how close the Hawthorne family had been to standing on the stage to receive a medal again. After Hazelle had calmed down and pulled away, placing a kiss on Gale's cheek, he glanced at me. That was all it took before I ran forward and pressed my lips to his. I could feel his surprise. I hadn't initiated contact since I came back from the Capitol the first time. I pulled away after a few seconds and whispered, "I thought I'd never see you again."

He smiled back at me holding me closer so that his mouth was right by my ear, "You can't get rid of me that easily."

~ ⁂ ~

A/N: So sorry it took me two months to get this up... Let's just say that life was a bit busy. It should be slowing down now and I'm hoping to get the next chapter up even sooner. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, favorited and alerted! Don't forget to tell me what you thought about this chapter.

Beta: maremarethebear. Go check out her story, A Fresh Start. Gadge!


	11. Where Love Went Wrong

Just a warning, there is a bit of language in this chapter. Not too bad but the f-bomb is dropped once.

You try to breathe, you try to save it

But it marks your skin, until they break it

Well could you call when

They're taking all that you left for me

-Where Love Went Wrong (Augustana)

~ ⁂ ~

The mines were closed for the next week to allow time for the injured to heal and the mines to be repaired. I spent as much time as I could at the Hawthorne's but Rory's looks kept that time shorter than Gale would have liked. Hazelle kept telling me that he would come around but Rory was proving to be better at holding a grudge than Gale ever was.

Compared to the other miner's injuries, Gale's bruises and cuts made him look more like he had gotten into a tussle with someone than been caught in a mine collapse. There was one cut on his forehead that looked bad and Posy liked to tell me stories about how he had gotten it, each one getting more extreme and ridiculous than the last. Gale would just roll his eyes at her before she moved on to try braiding his hair.

I left earlier on the third day after the accident than I had the days before and Gale followed me out the door. I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and turned to walk home when he grabbed me by the wrist. "You don't have to go now. You know that right? You could stay for dinner."

I shook my head. "I couldn't impose."

Gale laughed. "I've had the past three mornings to hunt. It wouldn't be an imposition. Besides, Posy's been asking when you were going to stay."

"I wouldn't feel-"

Gale sighed, releasing my wrist. "Don't let Rory get to you. He doesn't mean to glare. He's just having a hard time adjusting to everything that's changing. Besides, he doesn't know what to do with all the attention Prim is giving him now and he needs somewhere to release the confusion. You started the changes so you're the perfect target to him."

"He hates me."

"He doesn't hate you. He just hasn't been able to forgive you for what you said before. That's mostly my fault. I went off on this huge rant after the interview that I probably should have kept to myself. If you want I'll talk to him but please, stay for dinner?" He looked so pitiful that I had to agree.

"But I'm bringing bread."

~ ⁂ ~

I walked Gale home after he had surprised me, bringing some sweet syrup he had traded beaver for at the Hob to drizzle over some of the new snow that had come in the sudden storm. We had sat on the porch swing that we had fallen asleep on, a moment that seemed like it had happened years rather than months before, sharing the snow from the bowl. The sun was beginning to set when we had finished and Gale needed to get home so his mother wouldn't worry. "It's almost like she forgets that I'm an adult now. But I do understand where she's coming from." I had laughed at his statement and took his hand in mine.

The Square was covered in a fine layer of snow and the lights twinkled on in the windows of the houses that lined the edges. Some Peacekeepers were standing in a corner, laughing to themselves. Gale let go of my hand and walked a few steps away. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him stoop to the ground and scoop some snow up in his hands, packing it together. When he turned and threw it at me I let out a squeal, surprising even myself with the sound. Gale ran over and picked me up by the waist, spinning me in a circle before setting me down and giving me a peck on the lips. I giggled as I stuffed some snow down the back of his shirt and he did a sort of a dance to try to get it out.

A loud laugh from one of the Peacekeepers turned my attention towards the group and one yelled out, "Giving it to customers for free now Everdeen?"

My face flushed and I could see Gale stiffen as he stopped his dance and he turned his head to yell over his shoulder, "That's no way to talk to a lady."

The Peacekeeper laughed, "She's no lady, unless the definition of lady is someone who spreads her legs for anyone who's willing to pay. But in my experience that type of person is commonly called a whore. Never heard them called a lady."

Gale let go of my waist and turned to the Peacekeeper. "And what makes you think you have any right to say that about her?"

The Peacekeeper's smirk could be heard in his voice, "My cousin in the Capitol. He said he'd seen her around with Odair, the both of them always disappearing into the brothels and such. Either she's screwing Odair or getting paid for her," He paused and licked his lips, leering at me, "services."

Gale clenched his fists and moved towards the Peacekeepers. I grabbed his wrist to stop him from running forward, quietly mumbling "Gale forget it."

He shook his wrist free, speaking around clenched teeth "I'm not gonna 'forget it', Katniss. I don't care who they are. No one should be able to talk to another human being like that."

I hunched my shoulders and whispered, "Even if it's true?"

I could hear his sharp intake of breath. "What?"

I opened my mouth to explain, to try to take away the lewdness of the Peacekeepers words, but before I could get a word out Gale spun on me. "That's why you run away to the Capitol every month? So you can go and fuck the rich men willing to pay for you? What about this?" He gestured between the two of us, "Were you planning to take me behind the slag heap, screw me against a wall? You know I can't pay you."

I shook my head. "No. I never wanted money."

He cut me off. "You never wanted money? I don't need someone like you to give me a pity lay. I'm capable of finding my own. I thought you were different than that Katniss. I thought you didn't care about things like that." I heard some doors opening, the snow starting to glisten from other light sources than the moon and the windows.

I shook my head, breathed his name "Gale."

He didn't hear me over his own talking. "And what about your mother and Prim, Katniss? Do they know what you do in the Capitol? I bet they love it when you go, revel in the extra money you bring home. Do they help you-?"

The crack of my hand hitting his face filled the square as it cut off his sentence. His cheek grew redder as I felt the anger fill me. I spoke my next words in a low voice. "Don't you dare bring my sister into this Gale Hawthorne."

He let out a half-crazy laugh, "You're worse than the women who line up outside Cray's door. At least they need the money." He spat to his left before turning away from me and stalking off in the direction of the Seam.

I felt my hands shake as the anger left me and the emptiness from earlier came crawling back into me, prying its way into my heart with its icy fingers. I glanced around the square and saw some curious faces peering out of their store windows, some parents even turning their children forcefully away from the windows, no doubt trying to shield them from the Seam whore standing in the center of their Square.

I turned back towards Victor's Village, trying to ignore the catcalls the Peacekeepers were sending after me. My eyes were teary and my nose was starting to run but I managed to convince myself that it was because of the cold. I knew I couldn't go home and face my mother or Prim without being asked a bunch of questions so I stumbled into Haymitch's house, startling him with a bottle halfway to his lips.

He looked from me, back to the door and then to me again. He laughed, "You're crying Sweetheart."

I shook my head and scowled at him. "It's from the cold."

He gave me a pointed look, like he was trying to tell me that he didn't believe me, and I just glared back at him, daring him to tell me that I was lying. He shrugged and just stated, "Didn't feel all that cold to me."

I sat down at the table opposite him. He raised the bottle to his lips, taking a long swig while I watched. "I need some of that."

He chocked a bit as he slowly lowered the bottle, looking at me through hooded eyes. "Excuse me?"

I motioned towards the bottle. "It helps you doesn't it?"

He shrugged, closing an eye to peer inside the neck of the bottle. "I suppose."

"Exactly why I need some. I need help."

He shook his head slowly, "I don't think that's a good idea."

I held my hand out. "Either you give it to me or I take it from you." He looked at me skeptically as I repeated my earlier sentence. "I need some of that."

He looked inside the bottle again before sighing and handing it over to me. I took the neck in my hands and took a large swig, coughing as the liquor burned its way down my throat. I poured more down my throat before handing it back to Haymitch. He laughed as I made another face.

"Easy there Sweetheart. You have to get used to it."

I scowled at him and reached for the bottle again. He pulled it back out of my reach. "Get your own. It's in the cupboard all the way to the left."

I stood up and opened the cupboard he had pointed out, laughing a bit at the many bottles that lined the shelves. "Storing up for a shortage, Haymitch?"

He shrugged. "You never know."

~ ⁂ ~

Haymitch was passed out at his table when I stumbled out the door of his house. I could see the lights on inside my house across the street. I knew that if I went in there like this even more questions would be asked and I wouldn't be able to escape with a short answer. Instead I turned back towards the town intending to make my way into the woods.

I stumbled a few times on loose stones peeking through the melting snow and by the time I reached the Square I was in hysterics from my attempts at walking. I knew I wouldn't be able to make it all the way to the fence so I sat down in front of a tree and started humming the tune to a drinking song I had heard my father singing once when I was really little until my mother had scolded him, saying that he was teaching me bad habits.

Some of the lights around the Square were turning off, the younger children being put to bed. The door of the building in front of me opened up, the light spreading out onto the rocky ground below it. I let out a loud laugh as black trash bags came out the door, followed closely by Peeta. Where exactly I was sitting hit me and I had to laugh as I was reminded of my eleven-year-old self accepting her fate beneath this same tree.

Peeta looked over at the tree when I laughed and walked over after setting the bags by the door. I resumed humming my song, louder this time. He squatted down in front of me, "Katniss?"

I paused my humming to repeat his name in the same questioning tone before starting to sing in a loud voice.

Peeta glanced around before putting his hand over my mouth to muffle the words. "Okay, Katniss. That's enough."

I bit his hand and had to smile to myself when he pulled his hand back to glance at his palm. I hadn't bit him hard enough to draw blood but I could still see the teeth marks. I leaned in while he was examining is palm, one thought on my mind. I owed Peeta Mellark a debt and I knew he would never let me pay him in money. The Capitol considered it an appropriate form of payment and who would say no to the Capitol?

When Peeta looked back up from his palm he made a muffled oomph as my lips collided with his. It was sloppy and I laughed as my teeth hit his. Peeta pushed me back with his hands on my shoulders and gasped out, "What're you doing?"

I didn't reply instead moved my hands down to his belt and began undoing it. Peeta grabbed my hands and pulled them away laughing nervously. When he spoke again his voice was more serious. "Katniss. You're drunk. Let me take you home."

I shook my head, feeling my cheeks flush pink in embarrassment.

Peeta stood up and moved away, buckling his belt. "At least come inside. I'll make you same tea, warm you up a bit?"

He offered his hand to help me up but I pushed it away, grabbing the tree and pulling myself up. "See. I got it."

I stumbled on the way towards the door and Peeta ended up wrapping his arm around my waist to prevent me from falling. The slight step up through the door posed a problem to me as my foot didn't want to get up high enough to make it over. Peeta helped me keep my balance as I stumbled through and I suddenly started laughing loudly again. Peeta shushed me looking around franticly as he deposited me at the table.

He filled up a small glass from the tap and put it in front of me. "Drink this and be quiet."

I lifted the glass to my lips and sputtered when the cold water hit my tongue. "You promised me tea. This isn't tea."

Peeta shook his head. "Shh. I'll make the tea. Just don't talk please."

I took another sip and cringed when the water hit my teeth. A few minutes later when Peeta put the tea cup in front of me I knew there was something that I wanted to say but I couldn't remember what it was. I took a sip of the tea and giggled before loudly whispering, "You make awful tea."

Peeta shook his head, a slight smile on his lips. "Your whisper isn't much better than just talking."

He let me finish my tea which didn't taste too horrible near the end before standing up and saying that he should get me home. I felt a panic rise up in me and I pushed back my chair, trying to remember that I needed to keep quiet. "No. Please don't take me home. I can't go home. I can't... I just, please don't."

Peeta looked at me and opened his mouth, most likely to tell me that he had to take me home but I interrupted him. "Please promise you won't take me."

It seemed like Peeta wanted to argue but I begged him again.

"Fine. I won't take you home."

I squealed, quietly, jumping up and giving him a hug. "Thank you Peeta!"

I felt him nod and my eyes started to droop, a combination of the tea and the warmth inside the building. "Don't leave me Peeta."

I was almost asleep when I heard him whisper a word that got lost in my hair.

~ ⁂ ~

It was still dark outside when I was jolted awake. Peeta was looming over me, shaking my shoulder. "I have to get you home before my mom gets up."

I sat up quickly, regretting it when the pounding in my head increased. I moaned and put the heels of my hands onto my eyelids, trying to alleviate the pressure. I was confused as to why I was on the Mellark's couch until the details of last night came back to me and my cheeks flushed pink as I remembered the kiss.

Peeta handed me another glass of water to clean the sandpaper feel out of my mouth while he put my shoes back on my feet.

The walk back to Victor's Village was awkward but Peeta refused to allow me to walk alone because "you never know who could be hanging about this time of night."

When we reached my door we said an awkward goodbye and Peeta started to walk away before I called for him to stop. "Listen, about last night-"

He waved me off. "It's all forgotten, Katniss."

"If there's anything I could do to make it up to you-"

He shook his head. "It's fine."

I gave him a small smile and watched until he was to the end of the street before opening my door and walking into my house. It surprised me when my mom was sitting in one of the chairs looking like she had just woken up. When she saw me walk in she jumped up looking like she was ready to scold me.

I'm not sure what came over me, if it was the after effects of the drinks last night or if the fight with Gale and I had finally hit home, but tears suddenly filled my eyes and my bottom lip trembled. My mother clucked her tongue and enveloped me in her arms sighing, "Oh, Katniss."

The tears started to spill down my cheeks and all the secrets that I had kept from my mother for the past five years started to come out. I told her everything and when I was finally done the sun was coming up. My mother wiped my cheeks off with a cool, damp towel and tucked me into my bed upstairs telling me to rest. As sleep started to envelop me again I felt for the first time that I could possibly have an ally to help me through.

~ ⁂ ~

A/N: It's only been a month! Actually less than that. So, some of you may be upset with the way this chapter went but don't give up hope. There's still some surprises that I have planned. Nothing is set in stone yet. The next chapter has been started and I'm hoping that it'll be done quickly but I have to start packing a years worth of clothes and I really detest packing so I'll see. Thanks to everyone for the reviews and follows last chapter.


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